2023 Write-ups
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2022 Write-ups
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2021 Write-ups
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2020 Write-ups
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2019 Write-ups
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2018 Write-ups
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2016 Write-ups
2015 Write-ups.
Recently when the “GPB” was on stage in front of numerous Cosmonauts he repeatedly mentioned that “I’ve got nothing“. Well let me tell you that the GPB has got a few new things, including a new putter AND new irons which can only mean one thing? He is sick and tired of watching “Batman” and “Rusty” knit their names into the fabric of the Cosmo the past few years. It’s time for the original Founder to do something big and to say FU to nothing! H`mmmm sounds like a good premise but with a 9 handicap he will need to get a “Lucky Lennie” like string of shots together to have a chance to contend with the high handicappers. Regardless of the result, count on the “GPB” to have something to say on Saturday night regardless of who the Champion maybe. (He promises it won’t be as long of a speech as Batman’s Retirement)J
Odds: 19-1 21st Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard 2014 Result: 283 8th
A recent display on the 1st hole in Quesnel has the Cosmo Medic concerned with “Tenders” mental health. Maybe it’s acceptable to toss a club once, but 6 times on 1 hole? To bring the pressure that Tender is under to finally don the Jacket into perspective, we need to go back into the 1996 time capsule!
· Nick Faldo and Batman win Green Jackets
· Steffi Graff wins 3 of the 4 grand slams
· “Oh Macarena” was the top club song
· My daughter Nicole was an embryo
Seeing how Nicole is graduating in 2 weeks and can drink in Alberta makes you realize that “Holy Shit Batman, it’s time to kill this streak”!
There are several things that need to occur before this happens. First is for a consistent ball flight off the tee, as his old one was good for Chateau, new one not so much. Second would be a short game that makes his playing partners want to ralph as he can sometimes be “Mickelson like” but has lately been “Tiger like” (just happy to get on the green.)
Odds: 2-1 20th Consecutive Appearance
Darrel "Sundin" Leathem 2014 Result: 288, 10th
397 seems like a good number if you have a Ford Truck, but shooting a Gross 397 last time “Sundin” Tee`d it up in Whistler must have been “Tough” to take? He did tie for 15th place in 2011 however which is way better than last? “Sundin” is the only Cosmo regular who lobbies to have the tourney pushed back a month so he can get more than 5 warm-up rounds in. “Sundin” has actually vowed to sue the CRA for extending tax time by 5 days which caused his practice time to be reduced by a week. Combine this with not actually being invited to attend the practice round has, “Sundin” feeling that he`d have more respect if he was a New-guy? One Founder also forgot that he was a pivotal member of “Rustys” Team that won the Founders Trophy last year (Thanks to “Sundins” top 10 finish). However a top 5 finish will bring back more than RESPECT.
Odds: 98-1 8th Appearance
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ 2014 Result, 278, 6th
Who holds the 4th longest active player losing streak? That’s right; the 2001 Champ has actually gone 14 years (which was half his age when he won) since his only Victory. But really, who gives a shit? When ”The Kid” shows up, we know that the steaks will be perfectly rare, the compliments rarer and the Flying Takimeanies will be devastating! The Father of 4 boys was the actual last guy to confirm this year and he will be the last to arrive and first to leave in order to ensure all arrive safe at various BC Ball tourneys. With this hectic almost Young like schedule, "The Kid“" hasn’t had much time to work on his own game. This could be a problem as “The Kid” blasted his way to a 13th place finish the last time we played Big Sky and Chateau in 2010. He however did redeem himself when we played Nicklaus North in 2011 as his net 63-67 pole-vaulted him into contention as he finished just off the podium in 4th.
Odds: 30-1 16th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young 2014 Result: 273, 4th
Q: How do you solve a problem like Rusty?
A: Remove him from the desert and let him frolic and play in the alpine way!
Sounds like a natural, but the Eyore like Rusty that may well be the 5th best athlete in the Young 100 Acre wood, will need to deflect the pressure of being on the 2nd longest Cosmo losing streak. But hey, no need to hit a guy when he`s down, which is why the Founders have decided that every par 3 will be custom fitted to accommodate his coveted rescue club! However before you start yelling “fixed”, just remember how many of this year’s course rotunda are Taylor-made for a Molly McButter like right to left ball flight off the tee? Having trashed my CR buddy enough, it’s time to remember that nobody else has finished in the top 4 the past 2 years. That’s not a fluke Rusty, you are a contender.
Odds: 3-2 19th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Zulu" Zawada 2005 Champ 2013 Result: 292 12th
Has it really been a decade since “Zulu`s” Conquest in Kelowna where his back to back chip-ins (there was 1 chili dip in between) carried him to Cosmo glory? Many things have changed since then:
1. Tender was only on a modest 10 year losing streak.
2. Zulu`s inseam on his shorts was 8 inches compared to a robust 12 now.
3. The event has been lengthened to 4 rounds.
Item #3 has proved to be “Zulus” undoing as he has been able to post some great scores (Net 57-62-68 the last 3 rounds he’s played in Whistler on a Friday) but his first and final days have been disasters. With this in mind, Zulu has become a regular in the practice round and hopes that somehow his mind wont realize he is actually playing in a tournament when he tee`s it up on Saturday?
Odds: 111-1 13th Appearance
Derek “Diggy” Dobrinsky 2015 Result 297, 12th
How does somebody manage to be the 16th guy in for 2 years in a row? Well, being buddies with the reigning Champ doesn’t hurt as does the ability to bench press the combined weight of the last 2 Champs (+400 lbs.). A sneak peak in to “Diggys” game early in the year showed the ability to pound it at least 300 yards off the tee. However, this may manifest itself into his Top Flights never being seen again except by Bears or Salmon especially at Big Sky. “Diggy” is no dummy and he proved that last year when he shot an 84 on the back 18 at the Osoyoos Club. This included a back 9 of 43 that was 1 better than hole in one Man Markie Mark who was his playing partner on Freaky Friday. Maybe some of that Magic was passed on during the 5 minute group hug?
Champs Odds: 23-1 2nd Appearance
Richard “Doc” Dougherty 2011 Champ 2013 Result: 288, 11th
H`mm, let me get this straight, “Doc” won the Green Jacket the last time we played in Whistler? Is this the same guy who fell down a flight of stairs, walked into a pool that he thought was a Putting Green and has hit more sideways chips than Tiger the past 2 years? We could go on and on but rumour has it that “Doc” will be redwineless this year as most of the predicaments he gets into have a strong correlation to his Tannin intake level. With this pro-active approach look for “Doc” to be amongst the leaders until we hits the 2nd 18 at Chateau where his lefty slice will be his un-doing. Look out then as he may fall off the RW wagon which could prove to be entertaining on Saturday night. Anybody got a Gopro they can bring?
Odds: 200-1 10th Appearance.
Steve "Batman" Dodge 96, 10, 13 Champ 2014 Result: 323,(60 shots worse than 2013) 15th
The newly retired, slimmer (yes, you can actually see through his Bat-Wings) Superhero has played more pre-Cosmo rounds this year than the previous 5 years combined. That, along with his recent purchase (with Taxpayers dollars) of a new set of irons should have his game firing on all cylinders and be a lock-in to win his 4th Green Jacket, but recent reports indicate that he should have invested (the Taxpayer dollars) on a new driver and 3-wood instead. Without all that “free time” at work, having to have dinner on the table at 6pm each night and golfing 4 games a week, he has had to work on the prediction write-ups late at night … Batman may be too tired to have what it takes to compete for the Jacket. So the stress-free retired life that he was hoping would make for a nice relaxed golf swing may just backfire at this year’s premier event, especially when those Cosmo pressure 3’ putts eat Batman up faster than Rusty can mix 4 ryes on the 2nd tee box.
Odds: Freedom 55-1 16th Consecutive Appearance (19th overall).
Brian “Dumer” Dumaine 2014 result, 270 T 2nd
If you were a Stat man, you would realize that “Dumer” wouldn’t be a surprise Champ because nobody has gotten better over the last 3 years than the diminutive “Dumer”. A gross decrease of 61 net strokes may be an actual record breaker if one was interested in that kind of trivial rubbish?
If playing better wasn’t enough, “Dumer” has even enlisted his mild mannered son-in-law to trash talk founders at every opportunity. However before the Southhills Victory Parade route is finalized one must understand that “Dumer” and Whistler are polar opposites. Hard working, no nonsense hockey player turned golfer versus an aristocratic jewel of the rich and famous who are more interested in posing than playing. I don’t think so, and with this Whistler rookie without his 31 flavour ice cream loving wingman to offer his calming advice, it would be a miracle!
Odds: 7-5 8th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ 2013 result, 273 4th
“Dano” has mixed emotions returning to Whistler that witnessed his thrill of Victory in 2007 that followed his agony of blowing chow 20 times in 2002. The only Cosmonaut that no one in the field has seen play in the past 15 months created a need for a pool to see who can predict his current putting gimmick. Some think it will be a left hand low claw clasp with an oversize shaft grip and a bent right knee blindfolded but the majority believes it will be a Spieth like gaze at the hole while making like a Pink Flamingo. Other than his putting stylestylesstyles “Dano” often goes driverless in Whistler to avoid any chance of a close encounter with the Black Bears in the left bush.
Odds: 13-2 15th Appearance
Steve “Derk Diggler” Doerksen 2014 result, 304, 14th
The enigma that we call “Derk Diggler” has been on the injured reserve for most of the spring thanks to a mid-body injury caused by overuse. The exact cause of the injury has been withheld until after the final report is released by Dr. C Allan Baker on June 11, 2015. However “Derk” failed to purchase a Membership this year which many believe is linked to overuse of another membership if you know what I mean. What will this all mean when his tee shots slashes (that more resemble an animal in distress than poetry in motion) find the rough or the bunkers more often than the fairway? This will be answered early and decisively at Big Sky where odds are he will shoot a Big Score?
Odds: 14-1 2nd Appearance.
“Harry” Dick LaLande 2008 Champ 2014 result, 298, 13th
It’s always a Mystery of what exactly “Harry” is thinking while he addresses the ball. But it seems to go like this:
1. Check my watch to see if it’s time to hit.
2. Think as many negative thoughts about the last time I shanked and hope I`m hitting a wood or rescue.
3. If I keep my head down and follow through it should go onto the green, wait, no look up, for the love of god I just hit it into the bushes on the right.
The result of Dick’s big head thinking for his 5 iron-wedge heads is more Hockey Sticks on the course this season than he has owned in his life! No worries though as he has enlisted the help of a former Canfor Swami turned masseuse to stop the sheshankigans before they ruin his beautiful and tormented mind.
Odds: 666-1 9th consecutive appearance
Mark “Er-Feller” Dodge 2014 result 324 16th
Hopefully this year Mark “Er-Feller” won’t be singing “Whose car have I been sleeping in”, but the boys are more afraid that “Man he golfs like a women” after his Tuesday night Shania experience. No need to worry though as the 2014 Rookie of the year who bought more rounds than the hole-in-one boys combined has vowed not to cave like he did last year to keep his brother Batman from finishing dead last. Thanks to his average score being a robust 108, look for Mark “Er-feller” to be the last round pick in the Founders team draft. However double shots of CR on the course to team members may have Rusty salivating at Draft time?
Odds: 1 Milliiioon-1 2nd appearance
Branko “Melon” Cerviaka 2014 result, 270, T 2nd
Yes Sports fans, it isn’t a typo, “Melon” did finish tied for 2nd last year with 3 solid rounds in the 90`s which could have been 4 if he hadn’t of stick handled to a snowman in front of the gallery on the 72nd hole. This kind of radical improvement reduced his cap to its lowest amount ever which is 4 lower than the steady 32 he idled on for 5 plus years. His play this year has been spectacular at times with booming drives often followed by 10 foot comebacks after rather aggressive 1st putts. One of only 3 players not to opt for the practice round, experts predictions indicate that if he can shoot somewhere between the 2 Highways (97-99=98) he will be blasting down on Thursday morning he has an excellent chance to improve his standing by 1.
Odds:3:1 8th appearance
Denny “Denwitch” Delaney 2014 Champ 2014 result, 262, 1st
What to do with the Champs Cosmo Cap has been a topic of heated discussion during the weekly Founders Video conference since mid-January. The decision to lower it to 18 which is the 5th smallest this year will prove if “Denwitch” is a flash in the pan or a perennial contender? A recent 85 in Batmans pre-retirement golf event shows he can shoot as well as one Young and better than another! However, Osoyoos is nothing like Whistler-Pemberton as there is literally death waiting around every corner (especially the Duffy HillL). With more sandtraps on Nicklaus North and Chateau`s #18`s than the entire Fairview Mtn. track, look for Denny to resort to using a pick and shovel to dig his ball out of the bunkers after his wedge is rendered unplayable.
Odds: 18-1 3rd Consecutive appearance
2014 write-ups you guys are cool?
2013 Result: 263 2nd (lost in playoff) You would have thought that shooting 4 rounds in the 70’s (including a record 74) would have made Sloaner a shoe-in to become the 3rd three time Cosmo winner but the “Shank bigger than the Sahara” put an end to that. What made last year’s dramatic finish more implausible was the fact “Sloaner” duked it out with “Batman” in extra holes rather than “Rusty”? Looking at the Brightside “Sloaner” did make par or better on over 66% of his holes last year and there are no “Pete Dyabolical” courses on this year’s rotunda. The trip to Phoenix did reveal that the 97 and 2000 Champ is allergic to railroad ties and elevated greens? The only player to be making his 20th straight event, look for the Grand Poo Bah to once again challenge for the lead. In order for him to claim his first jacket since 2000 he will have to learn from the trio of 3 time Champs who have only 1 2nd place finish each. Not like the quartet of close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades for “Lucky” Lennie?J
Odds: 50-1 20th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2013 Result: 279 7th “Tender” has never had more pressure or Karma on/with him to finally break the longest losing streak in COSMO history. We could go on all day but, in 2014 he has played 18 (and he liked it) holes with Alice “Coop” Cooper, shot a 78 (with 5 birdies while going -2 in the last 12 holes) and played 37 rounds of golf in 3 time zones! Combine this with the “coincidence” that the last time “Tender” held the lead in the last round (2007) was also the same year as Mike Weir’s last lead in a final round enroute to his last PGA tourney victory. Add to that the late breaking news of a new 3 wood and that 4 former Champs have withdrawn and a 3 time Champ has a cap that eliminates him from a top 14 finish! So with this many signs pointing toward victory lane, why is it that skeptic’s believe his brain may have taken a right turn at Albuquerque? But with all his fellow founders having held the lead in last year’s 4th round, it’s time for the man who golf’s in all seasons to prove once and for all if he’s a “Pre-Tender” or “Con-Tender”?
Odds: 1-1 19th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99, 03, 09 Champ
2013 Result: 284, 10th “Hennigar” is once again a man in transition as he witnessed firsthand what can happen to middle managers at Billion Dollar CorporationsL No I’m not talking about his love-hate relationship with his “Million dollar baby brother –in-law, the Imperial Bank machine decided he was expendable? That will never be the case with the Cosmo Crew as we count on “Hennigar” to hold the Entertainment Excalibur, the can’t miss Designated Hitter (DH) as well as a real threat to become the inaugural 4 time winner. However, his recent results have sucked the big one as since he last donned the Green, he has finished 14th, 10th and 10th? Combine this with losing several times to “Tender” and the smart money may not be on Wesley to win? However the forced retirement combined with his new massive house has given him plenty of time to practice his yard and hair maintenance. With his head at 14 on the stimpmeter look for Hennigar to sink more 10 footers than he misses.
Odds: 20-1 16th Appearance
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ
2013 Result, 280, 8th It’s fairly hard to believe but “Billy the Kid” is actually 46% percent older now than he was when he won the Jacket in 2001. With this in mind, research has indicated that he is NOT 46% smarter, however his weight is 46% higher and the slight pause in his backswing is at least 46% longer. Therefore, look for “The Kid” to try and regain his go big or go home, all in attitude that used to result in some spectacular shots. Actually if it wasn’t for the Feeble Founder Finishes (Except for Batman) the last 14 years, “The Kid” may well have given up the sport and concentrated on franchising his “Flying Tackamini” technique that has caused more black and blue body parts than the Sedin twins have dished out in their careers.
Odds: 12-1 15th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young
2013 Result: 267, 3rd Last year the closing line on Rusty’s write-up read: Now armed with a Cosmo Cap in the twenties (and a Dick like backswing), look for “CR” to play bogey golf, shoot 4 rounds in the 60’s and slip on a green plaid beauty? Those words appeared to be prophetic as Rusty’s 62-65-64 start had him looking Rock solid as he formulated a poignant acceptance speech. However like the sand through the hourglass, the Rusty Revolution had started to crumble on the back 9 of Rye Town. Poised for a Gross 80/Net 60, Rusty went 5 over on the final 3 holes while his playing partners (Sloaner and Batman) pared out. This sent the “CF Young” on a nosedive that disintegrated into a cloud of dust and rubble the next day. However, this year armed with a new John Holmes worthy putter grip, a set of Motivation cassettes and having viewed Top Gun and Rocky I-VI 20 times has “Rusty” prepared for: losing his wing man, his trainer, all confidence and still come out on top?
Odds: 3-2 17th Consecutive Appearance.
Steve "Derk Diggler” Doerksen
“New Guy”
After years of being a maybe, sounds good, I just need to check with…….. “Derk Diggler” is the 16th 15th man into the 20th Anniversary Cosmo. This comes after several years playing on the “WHL” like “Ride-her Cup” Tour that his Uncle Don founded and skipping a Curling team where everybody but him was a Cosmo Alumni. With this kind of hype and pressure to perform it’s anybody’s bet if Jimmy Pattison’s favourite employee will fold like the cheap tent his Uncle is, or rise to the ultimate glory that only a Cosmo Champ can describe. There are a few pot-holes on “Derk Diggler’s” road to success which includes:
· Crashing a golf cart into Mark “er-fellers” Cadillac Cart in Palm Springs while driving with one hand, his left foot and the other hand swilling a Bloody Mary.
· Hooking a ball into a Harley Davidson member’s pick-up truck and refusing to pay for the damages?
· Shooting his 3 best rounds of the decade (with Cosmo regulars) immediately prior to Cosmo Cap Calculations!
Odds: 12 ounces-1 1st Appearance
Mark “er-feller” Dodge
“New Guy” Overjoyed to be the first “New Guy” allowed entrance to the 20th Cosmo, don’t expect a top 10 finish from “Batman’s” older brother as he is more familiar with green backs than reading greens. Fed up with hearing about all the supposed heroic escapades that “Batman” has been reliving since 1996, look for him to try and make his own “Mark” on this year’s festivities. This may include a case of Black Label Wine, 5 foot gimmies to all Founders and of course bribing the Cart Girls to follow the GPB’s every move on and off the course. Asked why it took 20 years to finally be invited, “Mark-er-feller” could only surmise that his offer to host all the Founders for an all-inclusive stay at his Palm Springs Mansion may have had something to do with it?
Odds: 1,000,000-1 1st Appearance
Derek “Diggy” Dobrinsky “New Guy”
The latest 16th guy to enter the fracas is “Diggy” Dobrinsky who was (is, we’ll find out) Denny’s best man and co-worker. Known for his ability to pound it off the tee, “Diggy” will have to learn in a hurry at Nk’Mip that accuracy is the key to success or he’ll be down a dozen balls before you can say Wojtek Wolski! “Denwitch” was actually so happy that he finally has somebody who can protect him from “The Kid’s” wrestle-mania moves that he offered to pay “Diggy’s” entry fee? With such a late addition the founders were forced to pool their brain cell to come-up with a 24 Cosmo Cap for the big feller which should see him challenge for the last overall pick? Rumour has it that “Diggy” will be right at home on the lightening fast greens until he putt’s his first one off the tarmac into a bunker. “You don’t want to see him when he’s angry”?
Odds: 649-1 1st Appearance.
2013 Result: 263, 1st.
“96” It’s not only the number of days that Batman/Statman has remaining before retirement; it was also ’96 when he last won the Jacket with a handicap as low as he’ll be entering this year with. Can he repeat? Not likely, if he hits as many 7-woods into the sagebrush of Osoyoos as he did into the cacti of Phoenix and the lava fields of Maui this last winter. Playing the final round with Mark-a-Feller will not likely help his chances, as the last time he played with his older brother was the incident in ’66 when they were taking a bath together as wee lads. Look for the 3-Time Champ to at least be consoled on Saturday afternoon by having the honour of assisting the 20th Annual Cosmo Champ put on The Green Jacket, but not before shooting 4 rounds in the range of, you guessed it, “96”.
Odds: 96-1 17th Appearance
Bryan “Dumer” Dumaine
2013 result, 293 13th
In 2013, nobody shaved as many strokes off their score as “Dumer” did (-38) although 20 of them were due to a well deserved 5 shot increase to his Cosmo Cap. All of the improvement occurred during the final 2 rounds as “Dumer” went on a binge that saw him shoot a net 64 and 70 which included his first birdie in more than a decade (maybe ever)? Further to heading in the right direction, it would have been hard to get worse as “Dumer” had strung together an inconceivable series of disasters (105-107-104-107-108-107) before crawling out of the effluent pond with a sparking 92J Combine this stellar play with several practice rounds and a Cap of 28 and “Dumer” should contend for his first top 5 finish since 2000?
Odds: 59-1 7th appearance
Fred "The Professor" Rogger
2012 result, 309 14th
It’s hard to believe that “The Professor” had the guts to return to the Cosmo as his performance in the “Sloppy Shuswap” left so much to be desired that most self respecting members of the radical BCTF labour faction would have martyred themselves with a picket sign explaining exactly how he felt? But seeing how we are headed to a Desert with no name and it will be good to get out of the rain, why not. But probably the real reason for a return is so he can collect his winnings in person from the 5 Cosmo boys who lost to “Rogg Dawg” and his ridiculously lucky picks in last season’s NHL Football Pool.
Odds: 13-2 14th Consecutive appearance
Darryl “Sundin” Leathem 1995-1998 Founder 2011 result, 305, T 15th After 2 years of no golf and all work, “Sundin” has returned for the 20th celebrations of a tour that he helped found in 1995J. Enough of the sentimental reminiscing, time to get down to the numbers that never lie: Even after a 2 year hiatus. you don’t need to be a CGA to figure it out, (but it helps) as his 2011 Tie for 15th in a field of 16 means that nobody finished behind you? The one plus of playing like a donkey is a hefty increase to a Cosmo Cap that has rounded out at a cool quarter century, which by chance is the last time “Sundin” had to brush his curls out of his eyes? Ironic as it seems for an employee of KPMG, “Sundin” has been known to say (after a couple of whiskeys): ”There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.”
Odds: 355-1 7th Appearance.
“Harry” Dick LaLande 2008 Champ 2013 result, 292, T 12th Last year the Cosmo Pundits were as inaccurate as the freaks who predicted an NDP landslide as “Harry” dropped from 5th in 2012 to a tie for 12th? “Harry” was actually almost dead last after 2 rounds until the 4 Dicks came together which allowed him to regain a little self respect with an OK 85. With the tour now hosting more “Mark’s” and “Steve’s” than “Dicks” the Founders are investigating what happened in that little “group hug” behind the 3rd tee-off box a year ago? Suffice to say, that with 3/4 of that group suddenly pulling the pin, it mustn’t have been pretty. Now that Dick has learned to lay-off his wedges and concentrate on putting his ball into the can for a bogey, rumour has it “Dicktator 88” will be looking to retire early most evenings?
Odds: 17-1 8th consecutive appearance
“Markie” Mark Courtney
2013 result 299, 15th
Although “Markie” Mark had some impressive tee-shots last year, what’s more impressive is that he kept it under 300! Having said that, his handicap of 21 was obviously too low and all he would have needed was a 30 cap to get into a play-off? Not to worry this year as he has his trusted golf advisor Fred Rogg Dawg tagging along which should put “Markie” in contention until noon on Friday? If all else fails he may want to auction off some of his arm hair to people like “Sundin”, “Hennigar” “Denwitch” “Melon”, “Tender”, “Sloaner”, and “Derk Diggler” who must quiver with envy every time the wind blows over his forearm locks.
Odds: 15-1 2nd Consecutive appearance
Branko “Melon” Cerviaka
2013 result, 275, 5th
With a few sleeps to go before the 20th Cosmo the Founders are still considering changing “Melons” Moniker to “Tenderizer” as he has consistently been within a stroke of the Hawaiian Prince despite having a Cosmo Cap 9 shots higher? Further investigation into this phenomena has discovered that “Melon” has taken his wife’s advise to “Be more like Dan” which has resulted in a new putting technique that seems to be paying off. A member of the Fab 4 who won the Team trophy in 2013, “Melon” showed he was much more than a large melopepo with his sizzling net 62 on Friday afternoon which was the low score of the tourney. Combine this with a 2014 par 3 Birdie average of one per round and Melon is sure to be picked between 1st and 10th this year.
Odds:9:1 7th appearance Denny “Denwitch” Delaney
2013 result, 282, 9th
Early scouting reports on “Denwitch” indicate that his Big dog is still hungry and likes to rip off yards of fairway turf, but all of his other clubs have an itch that he just can’t scratch? This substantiates the issue he had last year when he was usually looking at par or better after his tee shot only to stick handle his way to 3 rounds in the high 90’s and one over a 100. Despite the sloppy play, “Denwitch’s” 9th place finish was only 18 out of a playoff, so the “founders” decided to lower his cap by 1 to a 27. Despite (or maybe because?) being a new Dad, “Denwitch” was one of the Noble Nine who ventured down to Mesa in February. This means that unlike his last night in Mesa, Denny won’t be up all night as he’s expected home bright eyed and bushy tailed for his first Fathers Day on Sunday?
Odds: 49-1 2nd Consecutive appearance
"Batmans" victory in 1996 may have been a fluke, his write-ups are not.
2013 Write-ups
2012 Result: 288 6th
Sloaner has had a tumultuous spring that saw him lose his Mother-in-law and with it a trip to Maui where he could have played 5 rounds of golf. Therefore the Pre-Cosmo round on Wednesday will be his only golf in a month? The Grand PooBah who despite being a 2 time Champ, will need to win this year to not assume the record for most years without a title after previously winning one. (Dev did “win” in 1998, but he doesn’t count as he has a lifetime ban from returning). The saddest part of it all is that because “Sloaner” can’t win the big one anymore he has assembled a variety of ways and means to still consider himself a winner. Examples range from finishing 1st (amongst Cosmo guys) in the NFL pool and winning the Founder Team Trophy the past 2 editions. He also thinks that it was his Bruins that won the Stanley Cup and that his 3 point lead in the Cosmo Pool is safe! We all know it’s time for the 50 something veteran to get his act together on the links, or maybe he’s waiting for a 20th annual Cinderella Story to unfold, Cue the comeback anyone?J
Odds: 50-1 19th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2012 Result: 273 3rd
“Tender” enters this years “Duel in the Desert” with more rounds in 2013 (some of them sub 80’s) than 9 of his fellow competitor’s combined (41). Will this equate to success after 17 years of close but no cigar finishes? Only the Shadow knows and according to Hennigar and Batman who carefully monitored his game in Maui, there is only 1 thing standing between him and victory. Unfortunately that 1 thing flows fast and furious at the Cosmo (alcohol). The latest examples of intolerance include:
· Forgetting his passport at home?
· Losing his glove that he found on his hand?
· Buying tickets with a 12 hour stopover in Vancouver?
OK, there may be more than “1” thing as witnessed by ¾ of the Maui boys when ”Tender” decided it was time to do a headstand off the Seed Bucket while watching his tee shot on 16 go right to left. Fortunately his 6 iron didn’t break when it became impaled in his groinJ
Odds: 1-1 18th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99, 03, 09 Champ
2012 Result: 294, 10th
That’s right Sports Fans and Cosmo Trivia Buffs, the last time “Hennigar” laced them up in Oliver he was about to don the Jacket for the 3rd time. Even though he limped home with his highest score of the week, it was still an impressive showing as he shot a net average of -3 each day and managed to win with the lowest Cosmo cap in the field (11). Since that time the 20 something Handicappers have taken over, but not so fast Rusty and Tender, this 55’r has game. The latest example of Cosmo Grandpa at work was a 120 yard Eagle over a gaping chasm that one hopped in on the Plantation courses treacherous 5th hole. Then when his fellow Cosmonaut’s charged on the back 9 he easily swatted them away with a birdie/par finish. However with the PG course looking more like a parking lot (Hey where did the driving range go?) Henny’s limp wristed fade might not hold up to the intense pressure that only Nk’mip can provide?
Odds: 20-1 15th Appearance
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ
2012 Result, 289, 7th
“Billy the Kid” might be the toughest player to get a read on with his game a lot like a box of chocolates this decade. Known for his ability to overpower a course on his good days, he’s also known as a high stakes gambler who is as likely to score a moose than settle for a “good bogey”. For some reason his swashbuckling style leads to his playing partners scoring on average better with Billy (BWB) than with not. Recent examples include Batman scoring an ace that Billy called from the tee in 2010, Billy playing with Doc when he shot a net 61 at NN the year he won. However Billy didn’t play with “Horse” last year, so the “BWB” concept will need to be monitored closely. The other concept that doesn’t need confirming is that Billy hasn’t been in contention since losing the 2008 Playoff to Dick with only 1 top 5 since that timeL
Odds: 12-1 13th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young
2012 Result: 291, 9th
It took a while for “Crown Rusty” to rearrange the 3 trips that were planned for him to the BC Track and Field Championships, Soccer Zones and Ringette World Championships during Cosmo week, but he finally managed to wrangle his own trip to Kelowna for a couple of warm-up rounds. As long as he can avoid feeling guilty having fun with the boys, look for “CR” to rekindle the magic that had him looking good entering the final round the last time the Duel in the Desert was fueled. That tee shot on #1 almost going OB two fairways over played with Rusty’s mind and he was never able to rekindle the magic Rye-town groove that saw him shoot an 80 (net 64) on Friday afternoon. Now armed with a Cosmo Cap in the twenties (and a Dick like backswing), look for “CR” to play bogey golf, shoot 4 rounds in the 60’s and slip on a green plaid beauty?
Odds: 3-2 17th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Zulu" Zawada 2005 Champ
2012 Result: 299 12th
It’s been a while that the script writers have had anything positive to say about Zulu’s game, but a cursory review of his 2012 performance was that he Positively sucked! Starting off slow with a Gross 105, there were sugar plums dancing in “Zulu’s” short shorts after his terrific net 64 on Fridays 2nd round put him into contention only to be passed by 5 hackers the final day when he struggled to a Gross 113. Having missed the 2009 trip to the Desert, “Zulu” moved down last year where he played 20 rounds in 10 days which should pay big dividends for the 2005 Champ in 2013. However, the Dick with the longest inseam has been spending more time driving nails than balls with a brown nosing renovation project that would make Mike Holmes proud. He is hoping to polish up his ragged game with a couple of practice rounds with Dick and I’ll call Rusty in Kelowna before the main event which should get his liver in gear if nothing else?
Odds: 111-1 12th Appearance
Rick “Horse” Heney
2012 Result 265, CHAMP
Rumours’ that “Horse” will be serving Fried Chicken at the Champions dinner are totally untrue; however there is a good chance that watermelons will be the fruit of choice. Enough about food, time to focus on the defending CHAMP who has taken up speed golfing to try and reduce his 1 million pre shot thoughts to a manageable 50,000 or so. Another quandary that the CHAMP has to overcome is the banishment of his fiddle stick guidance system by the RCGA, R&A and FRC by a 3-1 vote. This should add one more cause for doubt to enter the Heney mind which may not be a bad thing. But honestly with his Cosmo Cap plummeting all the way to the teens look for the oldest (and biggest) Dick to do “Dicks” famous first to worst desert flop.
Odds: 1,000,000-1 7th Appearance
Richard “Doc” Dougherty 2011 Champ
2012 Result: 303, 13th
No animals were abused during the writing of “Doc’s” summary, although he has threatened to lose control if it’s not at least 25 C and sunny every day of the Cosmo. Other than the long winter and late spring that is plaguing most parts of BC north of Hixon, all that Doc can complain about is his inconsistent short game. Because of the better than average chance he will either skull, chili, or shank his chip shots, Doc asked Batman for advice? The advice provided was “Hit your second shot onto the green and use your putter” This didn’t go well and it might be a quiet ride on Tuesday night. That being said, it’s hard to imagine a player who looks forward to the Cosmo more than Mr. Dougherty as the BCTF strike last year took its toll on him as did hearing about all the golf played by his so called friends in places like La Quinta, Palm Springs, Palm Desert, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Wailea, Kapalua, need we go on?
Odds: 666-1 9th Consecutive Appearance.
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996, 2010 Champ
2012 Result: 290, 8th.
Will this be the year the 2 time champ regains his former glory? With a new “EYE OF THE TIGER”attitude, will Batman rise to the occasion?? Does he have what it takes to overcome "Evil" and the dreaded duck hook? Will he find “Good" and work the ball left to right with his legendary buttery fade? As the Batman continues to expand his game internationally will the jet-setting super hero have what it takes to get the job done on Canadian soil? The other big question left to be answered is has he been spending too much time buying new Curling equipment and day dreaming about 1 on 1 time with Kevin Martin than he does on his golf game? If Good can overcome Evil, perhaps this is the year Batman joins the elite upper echelon of former champs to join the most coveted 3rd Green Jacket club that only “Oli” and “Henny” are members?
“Eye of the Tiger, Batman, Eye of the Tiger!”
Odds: G12-1 17th Appearance
Bryan “Dumer” Dumaine
2012 result, 331 16th
Most participants at last year’s event wondered if “Dumer” would be back after he set several Cosmo Records in 2012:
· Highest Score ever (331)
· Shots clear of the next worst (21)
· Shots behind the Champ (66)
· Number of welts inflicted on room-mates (17)
· Number of Tenderloins cut with a filet knife (1)
Obviously those doubters don’t know the commitment to excellence “Dumer” is famous for, which should see him make a huge improvement into a solid top 10 finish. For this to happen, “Hennigar” will need to work with his buddy on a quieter swing especially when he is whacking “Sloaner” in the ribs at 2 AM.
Odds: 7-5 6th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ
2012 result, 280 4th
Dano was enjoying the finest Cosmo off-season in history as he swears to have made not one but two holes in one since the “Sloppy Shuswap” event. August 26 and April 14 they say with witnesses at both events. Recently a leaked report from a Duncan psychologist who advised Steve Nash during the Laker’s disastrous season has a “DK Berardsky” booked into a daily shock therapy session. This could be linked to “Dano’s” sudden “Whatthefuckitis” ailment at address, top of the backswing and through the hitting zone that has caused the 2007 Champ to question the meaning of life. Have no fear Dano, “Doc” Dougherty has the cure: An Irish Car Bomb: Guinness, Baileys and Jameson Whisky every 9 holes and you will be a beauty!?
Odds: 13-2 14th Consecutive appearance
Garry “Hulkster” Horley 2009 result, 278, 2nd
The Founders are only a little concerned that the “Hulkster” is returning to the scene of his best ever 2nd place finish (Despite his mini- Dougherty collapse) after 4 years of constant practicing. With a handicap that more closely mirrors his skill level; look for the oldest competitor to invest in some of Dano’s old clubs in an attempt to spread the magic that his $50 Titleist driver has been deploying. But seriously the most excited Cosmonaut over the Hulk’s return was Rusty who has been missing the expert assistance that Booster and Hulkster used to provide during early morning breakfast preparations. With this in his resume and his photo-journalist skills, look for the group to be well fed while looking svelte and tanned on the links.
Odds: 355-1 6th Appearance.
“Harry” Dick LaLande
2008 Champ 2012 result, 282, 5th
Watch out for ”Harry” to continue his slow but steady rise up the leader board as he looks to continue the trend that had made him the only player to improve on his standing the last 4 years. He was after all starting from 16th or last but working up to 5th shouldn’t be scoffed at. Unfortunately the most Talkative Dick has been getting worse since the season started which coincides with the tragic loss of the GRANDEST of ladies Rita McNeil on April 16. Since then “Harry” has had more than his share of Fat shots and seems lost for words to explain the beaver pelts. That should be quickly remedied when the first ever Four Dicks makes their debut on in Osoyoos! IE: let the purring begin!
Odds: 17-1 8th consecutive appearance
“Markie” Mark Courtney “New Guy”
2010 result 103, 1 round
Although Mark was on site following the 3rd round at Whistler and played the final round as “Horse’s” replacement during the 16th edition, he definitely qualifies as a “New Guy”. Known more as a Skier, Hockey Player, Tennis Player, Cyclist, Tequila swilling entrepreneur than a golfer, he is the overwhelming wild card of this year’s group. A prime example of this is his scores on Chateau in 2010 where he brutalized the opening 9 with a 60 only to follow that up with a 43 on the back? He obviously thought he was playing in the Shoo-fly-pie and was after the low net tee-shirt? Official warning than anyone playing in “Markie” Marks foursome may be coerced into planting a few bundles of trees on the Desert course (7 cents X 100 trees = 7 bucks).
Odds: 15-1 1st appearance
Branko “Melon” Cerviaka
2012 result, 298, 11th
Having carefully cultivated the highest Cosmo Cap in this year’s field, early odds makers have him near the top of the Contenders. His recent trip to Maui to help Tender move furniture turned into 5 rounds in 4 days with Melon amazing the rest of the group with his positively ugly setup off the tee. However, they were even more impressed by how effective his hosel busting chicken wing swing was which saw him shoot the low 9 on occasion. With a pre shot routine measured at 3.5% of Bonsai`s it will be important for his playing partners to expect a shot even before the cart has come to stop. And speaking of carts it is also important to ensure Branko does not drive them as he has a tendency to mark down scores at the green and then drive like a grandma everywhere else.
Odds:9:1 7th appearance
Denny “Denwitch” Delaney
2012 result, 310, 15th
When Denny heard he was on the wait list for the 2013 event, it’s rumoured that he almost drove his Hummer into the Quesnel River. Thankfully he didn’t drive over the edge as it only took a month before “Bonsai” and the “Professor” claimed medical exemptions due to missing spines. This was good news for the rest of the crew as Denny is never shy when the bill needs to paid or a quad needs to be carded. Somehow despite finishing next to last, “Denwitch” was a member of the winning Founders team trophy which equates to a lot of terrible golf being played by others? A recent trip to San Francisco with his wife should provide Denny with enough Brownie Points to qualify for next year’s 20th regardless of its location (Maui, Palm Springs Phoenix anyone?)
Odds: 49-1 2nd Consecutive appearance
2012 Write-ups
2011 Result: 277 8th As the tourney returns to the scene of “Sloaners” last triumph, rumour has it that the teenager involved in the hot dog stand scuffle with the 2000 Champ is now a city councilor? This shouldn’t be a problem as the Cosmo combatants in that brawl have all aged dramatically. With the Grand Poobah concentrating more on how his fellow competitors have been golfing, he has lost focus on his own game, which has gone from not bad to atrocious. Even playing practice rounds with Dumer and Sundin hasn’t helped to rekindle “Lucky Lennie’s” magic so he has been secretly cheering for the Devils who also won their 2nd championship 12 years ago. Taking a page out of the defending Champs pre-tourney routine, “Sloaner” will be teeing it up at Tobiano in a desperate attempt to claim his third jacket before he turns 50J
Odds: 12-1 18th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2011 Result: 260 2nd “Tender” has been wearing out his 10-pass to Quesnel this spring as he realizes this maybe his last chance to milk a high cap to victory. He has also stocked the Club house fridge with expensive O’Doul’s which makes him feel like he’s tying one on every time he shoots in the low 80’s. Combine this with a shiny white pair of Razor Ball fairway woods, a new Golf Bag, a quad wheeled cart and a 1:51:43.14 half marathon and the time is ripe for the 17 year itch to be scratched! However, before you bet too heavily on the only teetotaler in the field, remember that despite his 3 runner-up finishes in the past 4 years he still needs to play the 18th hole and we all know too well the train wrecks that have ensued when a “Tender” par or bogey would have won him the Jacket, the Jacket where the F’s the Jacket….?
Odds: 4-5 17th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99, 03, 09 Champ
2011 Result: 301, 14th
Hennigar, just like all the PG Pederson’s is having a rather slow start to his 2012 golf season which might be linked to the fact his home course is:
- Still on temporary greens,
- The water hazards have been rented out as septic ponds and
- The stump farm is a breeding ground for several varieties of ants.
Odds: 20-1 14th Appearance
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ
2011 Result, 270, 4th “Billy the Kid” may have only won 1 Cosmo, but he leads the field in the number of Play-off appearances (2), the number of wives during his career (2) and the most career changes (4). These little known facts are sure to have the Cosmo Crew reeling as they consider who to bet on now that Billy will be a well behaved Newlywed and the fact the opening round is at his home “Talking in his sleep” course. His excellent showing last year was his first meaningful result since the heart breaking play-off debacle versus “Harry” and shows that a long loopy swing with a half hitch can still get the job done. If it can deliver the same Consistency and Quality that his new employer claims to excel at, we should see “The Kid” back to his 2001 (Is it really 11 years ago?) form?
Odds: 12-1 12th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young
2011 Result: 297, 13th The Wascally Wabitt Wusty has tried everything under the sun to get to the top of the podium and may have finally found the secret to golf success:
1. Never show any emotion on the course,
2. Gain 5-10 pounds and walk slowly at all times,
3. Wear ill-fitting clothing that would make your Grandpa proud,
4. Shoot lights out just like Jason DUFNER!
So far “Rusty” has hit several of these, but he seems to be doing the DUFFing part just when he has an even par round on his Molly McButter fingertips. Seriously though, he has shown flashes of brilliance on the course this year and seems ready to mimic his 01 to 05 streak where he had a 5th, 4th, 3rd, 2nd annnddd 8th to his creditJ?:( With his HC finally leaving the teens, the time is NOW for the Best Player Never to have Won?
Odds: 3-2 16th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Zulu" Zawada 2005 Champ
2011 Result: 273 5th
After a pathetic start last year where his fellow competitors wanted to call 911 as Zulu was on his way to a 111, the 2005 Champ pulled up his shorts (that’s impossible) and surged to a 5th place finish. Mr. “Zulu” actually scored the lowest 2 round total (62+57=119) for Friday that was even better than “The Champ” (61+60=121). “Zulu” has been hard at it this year with a 10 round trip with his Pulp Millionaires allowing him to hit much more than a 5 iron off the tee. Unfortunately “Zulu’s” last trip to Salmon Arm produced a bad taste in his mouth as he stumbled to a last place finish where the only person he was even close to was “Rusty” and a full 35 strokes behind Jacket winner “Sloaner”.
Odds: 111-1 11th Appearance
Rick “Horse” Heney
2011 Result 282, 9th Where to start with a “Horse” with no game? The options are endless as “Horse” has had the issues behind his swing disasters analyzed more in the past decade than the sinking of the Titanic has in the past century. With this in mind, “Horse” has decided to follow the “Big Easy” example and just try and hit the f’ing white ball and it seems to be working. However, recent reports indicate he has undergone a major pussy whip penalty that forced him to say “Sure Honey, sounds like fun” when his wife announced she could join him, the CHAMP and the entire Founder group in 18-36 holes the Wednesday before “The Scrap on the Shuswap” takes place. “Horse” knowing that this was a no win situation, quickly sponsored a Tobiano Mens Night and got his wife kicked off the course. Well played Mr. Heney, well played.
Odds: 29-1 6th Appearance
Richard “Doc” Dougherty 2011 Result: 254, CHAMP To say that “The Champ” had a career year in 2011 would be a major understatement as the former 27 Cap had the 5th most pars (23) in the field on his way to a 32 under record total. With the newly calibrated “FARCE*” Handicap system, look for “The Champ” to struggle for a top 15 finish as his Cap has done a TSX and dropped a full 30% to an 18J. Combine this drop with a tough year as an Administrator surrounded by militant BCTF members and you may just see the Wee Irishman try and set the record for most beers on a par 5? When his attempt to have all sand traps declared an unplayable lie was refused by the Founders rule committee, “The Champ” solicited legal advice who advised him to quit playing them like a “Maggert” and start playing them like “Seve”. Good idea except that “Seve” is now part of 18 Valderrama bunkers, D’oh!
Odds: 750-1 8th Consecutive Appearance.
For a complete explanation of the FARCE, see Sundins write-up
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996, 2010 Champ
2011 Result: 292, 11th.
After a successful curling season that saw the minister of forestry win 132 oz of Crown Royal, the caped crusaders biggest challenge was keeping the rye guzzling founder “Rusty” out of his house. The Caped Crusader is coming into this Cosmo with only a few rounds under his belt as he is continually reliving his two victories and his “Seven Wood heard around the World” ace that he relives anytime you talk to him. With his handicap coming back to its historical levels, he is torn about challenging for a third jacket or coaxing a victory from his pathetic co founders. Known to switch from beer to red wine when things get tense, watch for the Merlot supply to dwindle as the tournament unfolds.
Odds: G12-1 16th Appearance
Brian “Dumer” Dumaine
2001 result, 254 12th
After a 10 year hiatus, “Dumer” claimed the second to last alternate spot into this year’s star studded field. The Founders were never sure if his decade long layoff was because of his aversion to an 8 hour Sunday drive home or the fact that as a Caddy in the 2001 play-off, he forgot to bring “Olli’s” spikes which arguably lead to “Billy the Kids” victory? The reward for matching “Sundin” with a decade between appearances is the honour of teeing it up on Day 1 with the last 3 Cosmo Champs! If that wasn’t enough, he also got to enjoy a 5 hour guided tour of Tower Ranch in May where the GPB made him feel good by not even breaking 90. The final Red Carpet welcome will be the privilege of rooming with Lenny and Henny in the Penthouse Party Suite where the Curfew has been extended to 11:30 PM for Grandpa’s sake.
Odds: 7-5 5th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ
2011 result, 291 10th
Having just returned from a trip to Hog town to watch his son play in a Hockey Prospect camp, gave “Dano” the opportunity to call on Mike Weir. As Mike has all of his weekends open (Never makes the cut) he is always willing to offer advice and with both him and Dano last winning a tournament in 2007 they had a productive chat. Dano will now be “going both ways” off the tee and has changed his claw putting grip to the rather unusual blindfolded belly putter technique. This should allow him to make enough up and downs to regain the form that saw him post 6 top 4’s between 2000 and 2009.
Odds: 13-2 12th Appearance
Fred “Professor" Rogger 2010 result, 308, 14th
The “Professor” was also a late round pick-up and has been guzzling copious amounts of alcohol in an attempt to build up immunity to the stuff before June 7. A desperate attempt to try and fit in it might be, but in an even more macabre request, “The Professor” asked to have “Melon” as a roommate apparently thinking all “Doctors” are civilized? OK Mr. Rogger, it’s time to understand that the Dentist featured in the “Hangover” films is based on Cosmo Alumni Al “Shaky” Baker who just happens to be “Melons” Mentor and Idol. You’d have better luck requesting to share a bed with SD 57 Administrator Dougherty but the BCTF might kick you out of their union for extracurricular activity?
Odds: Bill 22-1 2nd Appearance.
“Harry” Dick LaLande 2008 Champ 2011 result, 276, 7th ”Harry” has been doing a great job in dragging several “Cosmo” contenders out to the pristine Quesnel links where low scores and birdie barrages have been more common than 4 putts, duck hooks and triples. This has decreased the dreaded awkward silences that can plague rounds with “Harry”. Having scored the 2nd most pars last year (28 to Sloaner’s 34) it was his lack of birdies (1) that sunk the “Harry” ship in the babbling brook cataracts last year. The Founders are aware that “Harry” has been steadily improving since his 1st to worst effort of 08/09 and a 16-11-7 pattern says he should jump to 4th this year. Look for “Harry`s” fate to rest on how his newly re-gripped wedges perform under pressure when the hosel comes dangerously close to the golf ball on every swing……….
Odds: 16-1 7th consecutive appearance
Eric “Bonsai” Bodman
2011 result, 305, T Last (15th)
Unfortunately for “Bonsai”, survey says that his pre-tourney strategy of playing ZERO golf (once) will produce as much fruit as an apple tree in Fort Nelson. He has a habit of shooting his lowest round of the year the first time out, so the chances of him keeping it in double digits at Talking Rock are at least 50/50. That’s also the same odds of him hitting out of the 145 bunkers that this year`s line-up features. The last time “Bonsai” was in Salmon Arm he did shoot an impressive 90 and was the first (only?) Cosmodian to jump in to try and protect “Sloaner” after the teenager had ripped the GPB`s favourite tee-shirt. With this positive retrospection swirling in “Bonsai`s” brain look for him to reduce his pre-shot routine to an acceptable 7 practice swings and 3 alignment checks.
Odds: 15-1 10th appearance
Branko “Melon” Cerviaka
2010 result, 289, 5th
After a year off due to no fault of his own, “Melon” is back looking to continue his steady climb up the Cosmo ladder of love. The only player to have improved every year that they’ve competed “Melons” star is shining brighter as he has gone from 15th, 12th, 6th to 5th in 2010. With this positive advancement and the positively creepy mancrush that the “Professor” has on him, the trip to the Shuswap should prove interesting. Having played the 3 tracks in the Ryder Cup Minor leagues should also help, but we know that combining VICE like Cosmo pressure and a “Melon” don’t often end well. With this being the first Cosmo that he and his Brother-in-law “Bonsai” have both appeared in since 2008, look for “Melon” to mellow out his dance floor moves.
Odds:19:1 5th appearance
Denny “Denwitch” Delaney
New Guy
Wow, the last time a Cosmo guy confirmed this late and got in, he was running for School Board Trustee in Quesnel. Not to worry though as “Denwitch” has been known to perform well under the pressure and with a new set of authentic PINGS, who knows how good he might score? One of the most successful Volleyball coaches in the past decade in the Q, look for “Denwitch” to dive into sandtraps, go for quick’s up the middle and call for a time-out every time he has a “Dink-out”. Denny`s only chance of cracking the top 10 is the lucky charm roll that the Irish have had at the past 3 Majors held in June:
1. Graeme McDowell - US Open, Pebble Beach
2. Richard Dougherty - Cosmo, Whistler
3. Rory McIlroy – US Open, Congressional
Odds: 25-1 1st appearance
2011 Write-up's
2010 Result: 300 T7th Sloaner has been extra busy this off season as he has welcomed several founders into his home and even made a guest appearance at the renegade red-neck “B” tour Ryder Cup when they were in town. All this hob-nobbing has done nothing for his golf game as he couldn’t hit a Wal-Mart parking lot with his driver and his putting has him considering a belly putter makeover? Combine this with the new stigma of being the current holder of the longest period between victories (11 years) has him salivating at his dirty dozen of a Handicap. Considering his last W was when there were not one, but 2 twin towers in New York City and Rusty was 39 has most experts picking him as a top 10 candidate.
Odds: 7-1 17th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2010 Result: 283 T2nd To say that Tender is a man on a mission this year would be a complete and utter understatement as he has played more rounds throughout the western hemisphere than previously thought possible? From Puerto Vallarta to Maui, from Kelowna to Tobiano to Quesnel one thing is consistent, he is not going to blow his chance at the Jacket again. His recent practice of coming from behind to beat Batman should pay dividends as he had closed the gap last year to 5 on the 72nd tee, but an ugly 8 cost him a chance to put some real pressure on. Speaking of pressure, we’ll all know who to blame if there’s still snow on Chateau’s 4th fairway as Tender was the guy who used his founder trump card to move it up a week which made Melon miss this editionL
The Odds are a good house band, a bet on Tender is not 3-2.16th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99, 03, 09 Champ
2009 Result: Champ
The first defending Champ not to defend due to Major reconstructive surgery on his knee (sound familiar?) Hennigar thought he could return and miss the rule 23 (a) clause. (Never ever, ever will there be a repeat Champ unless he is a founder with an S in his first, last or middle name). Well his best B in Law put an end to that and that is why his cap was reduced by 3 to a studly 8. Survey says we could give him a 20 HC and he still wouldn’t become the first 4 time winner as he only wins in odd years divisible by 3, which by my calculations is 2015 when Hennigar will be scary close to 60L He has been shooting 76’s on a flat, stump infested track beside a Shopping Centre, so you never know what might happen when he sees a tree bigger than PG’s tallest building?
Odds: 20-1 13th Appearance
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ
2010 Result, 307, 13th Billy the Kid’s most memorable moment from last year occurred at Palmer #17 when his superior eyesight and height warned his 4-some that Batman’s shot was “either long or in the hole”. Other than that one highlight it was pure misery as Billy has followed up his playoff loss in 2008 with a 7th and a 13th place finish, which is actually quite a bit better than his nemesis “Hairy” who has struggled to 16th and 11th place finishes. The Founders actually think the two are suffering from a Weir/Mattice Playoff curse and until one of them puts on a charge to once again be a contenda, it would seem the golf gods are still not happy?
Odds: 12-1 11th Appearance
2010 Result: 319, 15 out of 15 How could somebody who pared 25% of the holes he played actually finish last by a whopping 45 strokes? That is the question many have been contemplating the past year as it defies all logic as Rusty used to be a Player in every sense of the word. An ill advised tumble into a bunker just when the Beer girl arrived during the Founder round maybe what turned the tide, but records indicate that after paring 7 holes in a row on the front 9, back to back hockey sticks at the turn before the injury indicates his “R&C” intake had already exceeded his optimal load. After his par streak, the best player not to have won, went on a 28 hole bogey or worse run which featured 9-6’s, 6-7’s and an 8!
Odds: 3-2 13th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Zulu" Zawada 2005 Champ
2010 Result: 306 T11th
Other than his final round last year, Zulu was definitely headed in the right direction as he went 117, 108, and 98 before finishing up with a 103 on Saturday. Not bad for a guy known more for his one liner’s and one timers than his one putts! There will be pressure to perform this year as his 5 year exception (That allows him to wear ghastly bright coloured shirts and short shorts) from his 2005 victory has been extended a year because of his finger being ripped off in a 2007 work place injury. The recent shut down has allowed Zulu to find time to meditate and rekindle the positive 05 thoughts such as his back to back chip-ins and his –23 lowest ever score by a Cosmo winner.
Odds: 44-1 10th Appearance
Rick “Horse” Heney
2010 Result DNF
Although Horse was in 6th place when he buzzed back to Kamloops to attend his Son’s graduation, he was a full 20 strokes behind thanks to his atrocious opening round 110 at Big Sky. The chances of him matching his record low net score of 56 (2005) and shoot himself back into contention were slim and none as Chateau has to be twice as hard as the benign Okanagan Springs layout. Rick AKA Horse with no name did venture to the Desert this winter looking to find his mojo. Unfortunately after three days in the desert fun, he was sleeping in a river bed, so it was time to cut the trip short and head back to Sun Rivers (Ah, Horse that is also a Desert with a view of a river?)?
Odds: 29-1 5th Appearance
Richard “Doc” Dougherty
2010 Result: 288 4th
Doc’s second consecutive 4th place Whistler finish couldn’t have been more contrary to 2007 as he carved 18 strokes off the “Chateau Collapse” despite an entertaining 8 on the 18th in front of the packed gallery. Unfortunately all of his practice time this year has been in Kamloops as the snow actually left the Sunpeaks fairways before PG’s Aberdeen. His tradition of playing 36 holes the day before the tourney has yet to reap any rewards other than to get his liver warmed up for the OT to come. A heads up to his playing partners, Doc has revealed a soft side to American War mongers, maybe give him than 3 foot gimmie for double, before he breaks out in tears or kills you?
Odds: 8-1 6th Consecutive Appearance.
2010 Result: Need You Ask "The Jacket, where the Fooks the Jacket....well it's on Gotham’s star citizen".
Batman stencilled his name on the coat more times than Tiger Woods has been tattooed on a Night Club Hostess. Accused of resting on his one hit wonder victory back in 74, when he beat the one armed man in a playoff, the newly appointed Minister of Forestry has had an incredible ride back to stardom. Firing an ace and trouncing his fellow Cosmites, he has all but assured himself of entering the Cosmo Hall of Fame. Success has its price however, his beloved 4 iron has gone to Russia for more money, and his trusty 6 iron has a lower body injury that may not be healed in time. Throwing buckets of money at the web to attract a star 3 wood has had no results (who wants to play in Quesnel?) and overplaying his faithful 7 wood has people wondering if he can ever contend again. And if Rusty has a say about it....well let’s just say don't go near any sandtraps on ryeday.
Odds: A repeat? 1,000,000 – 1
15th Appearance
Barry “Farmer” Brown
2010 result, 293 2nd
The stats might be inaccurate, but they don’t lie. Farmer’s last two appearances in Whistler have resulted in back to back runner up placing's. That can only mean one thing, “Do you believe in Miracles?”, anybody who played with High pockets last year will attest that he has all the shots to become the shortest Cosmo Champ ever, he just forgets which one he should use in critical moments. A perfect example of that was his choice of a bump and run while in a Sandtrap that lead to a disastrous Moose when he had whittled Batman’s lead down to a handful. It will also be important for the long ballers to pause before hitting up to Farmers Group as you don’t want to see him when he’s angry and as one of the early favourite’s he might just “Snap” under the pressure?
Odds: 7-5 5th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ
2010 result, 293 6th
One of the most consistent Cosmo performers of the last decade “Dano” had the recent privilege of playing a friendly with “Batman” at Highland Pacific in Victoria a couple of weeks ago. Who knew playing with the defending Champ would strike fear in the mind of Dan, but it did, especially off the tee where he hit it short and left more often than he shanked it. He did manage to make a couple of birdie putt’s coming in so as with most players his age, he will have to rely on his short game to have any chance of reprising his 2007 come from behind victory.
Odds: 13-2 12th Appearance
Bobby “Booster" Keen 2010 result, 300, T7th
For newly betrothed “Booster” he like the majority of us has had to cut his fun in half and Bobby wisely tossed the Ryder Cup Boys under the bus and is making his 8th straight sojourn with the Cosmo Crew. Going above and beyond to Baby-sit Batman last year may be just what the Golf Gods were looking for but his 21 Cosmo Cap could be just what the doctor ordered. His average placing of 10th is the highest amongst the field except for “Hairy” who sits at 10.4th, but with his Cap a full 11 strokes higher than what he started with in 2004, equilibrium may have finally been reached?
Odds: 4-1 8th Consecutive appearance.
2010 result, 306, T11th
As time goes on, more and more observers are convinced that “Hairy” Dicks 2008 victory was a fluke, especially when you take his last, last and 3rd from last finishes in 3 of the past 4 years? A few also believe his claim that it all links back to his G5 driver mysteriously being swapped with an inferior model with the only suspect being a 70ish blue haired lady with a limp? Having a steady job once again has kept his rounds down this spring which has also reduced the number of sh-sh-sh, sh-sh-sh, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh shankigans. Never the less, “Hairy” should be a contender until his casual attitude towards the rules of golf come under scrutiny which the Founders have arranged to have “Dano” monitor in the final 2 rounds.
Odds: 16-1 6th consecutive appearance
Eric “Bonsai” Bodman
2008 result, 3rd
With the loss of “The man with the head of a Melon” Bonsai should be melancholy until he realizes that it’s just not logical to take the long way home when breakfast in America is just for dreamers. Hopefully he won’t just hide in his shell, which maybe better than entering the mammoth bunkers without a sand wedge which has been Bonsai’s Achilles heel for years. Late breaking news has Bonsai being fitted for a new set of Ping irons and woods and if he’s really lucky, maybe a putter will be thrown in for good measure? Even with the new sticks it’s the last 1000 days of thinking “What if” he hadn’t of snap hooked his tee ball on #18 that lead to a snowman and 2 shots out of the Billy/Dick playoff.
Odds: 15-1 9th appearance
Mike “Grasshopper” Burke
2010 result, 303, 9th
Once again it is our faithful “Grasshopper” who turns out to be the 16th man in as he immediately grasped the last baton when “Hulkster” went down with Retiree financial shrinkage? Grasshopper was the hands down rookie of the year as he was a dedicated photographer, paralyser mixer and erratic golfer which will give you 3 thumbs up every time. Mike had to learn the hard way the risks of buying imitation Ping Wings and he has now obtained several weapons that should help him keep it together for 9 holes in a row. But, chances are better that he will toasting his buddy Barry’s leader shirt than his own.
Odds:19:1 2nd consecutive appearance
Darrel “Sundin” Leathem
2010 result 304 10th
With the Cosmo coming soon after Tax time, it’s understandable that “Sundin” often forgets just what game he’s playing? Last year was a classic example (predicted in the write-up’s) as he must have thought high score’s meant a bigger refund as he shot 11 hockey sticks, 4 snowmen and 1 nine on his way to a top ten finish. One thing that the 16 “others” accomplished was to increase his cap to its highest point and he may actually have a chance with an Edler matching 23. A deeper investigation into “Sundin's” strengths took almost a year to complete but came up with an amazing trend: Of the 12 par’s he had last year, 5 were on par 3’s which bodes well for the KP competitionJ
Odds: 13-1 6th appearance
2010 Write-up's
2009 Result: 289 T7th If you were to analyze trends, the trend that “Sloaner” is working on wouldn’t make you go all in unless you were betting against him. First 6 years of recorded stats: worst finish was 5th with 2 wins and 2 seconds. Last 6 years, best finish is 5th with an average result of almost 8. Is it his Mojo that’s missing or have the years of being Lucky Lenny finally ran out? Reports are that his game this year is rounding into shape just in time for a podium finish (or at least a Leader Shirt). Survey says he will be in the top 3 after an exquisite Founder Ryetown round only for his hopes to be dashed by some poor driving and putting on the Chateau’s macabrely tilted fairways and greens.
Odds: 7-3 16th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2009 Result: 290 9th The Jacket, the Jacket, why’s he wearing the Jacket and nothing else? The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones. So lord only knows what kinds of rituals and hexes “Tender” has been performing on the Jacket since “Hennigar” dropped it off, but perhaps a good dry-cleaning before mounting it on the wall or drinking from a pocket would be wise? The longest losing streak in COSMO history has returned to the site of the only near miss when “Dano” had the coat re-gifted to him several times down the stretch with “Tender” going overboard as he upchucked a 4 stroke lead on the 18th tee. Well “Tender” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, now’s the time to live your dream!
Odds: 3-2 15th Consecutive Appearance
Fred “The Professor” Rogger New Guy
The New Guy who has turned down the Cosmo Invitational more often than anybody has been yo-yoing the Founders with his rendition of a Clash Classic. The latest result of “Should I stay or should I go now”? Is “If you stay there will be trouble and if you go there will be double”! Load up the Pepto, Tums and Rolaids and let the good times roll Rogg Dawg. The amalgamation of Quesnel's Senior High students has created a little more flexibility in this Master teachers timetable combined with no provincial exam courses on his plate this semester, he's finally able to bring his mercurial golf style to the Cosmo universe.Although Bear are most common in Whistler, look for Birdies and Moose’s to dominate this scorecard and Helicopter shaft spinning instruction after the latter.
Odds 1 Million-1
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ
2009 Result, 289, T7th
“The Kid” is looking forward to returning to Whistler more than most as he has had a very stressful past year thanks to several appearances with Judge Judy etc. “The Kid” has always been popular with the local wildlife and this should continue unless he decides to feast on “Dicks” Beer-teenie concoctions on the trip down. That will be quite the drive as he and “Sloaner” will be picking up “Dano” at the Horseshoe pit en-route to Big Sky. Having 3 former Champs navigate the highway to hell does sound a little risky but we have arranged a RCMP escort to limit the risk of bodily harm or speeding. Somewhat of a Dark horse this year “The Kid’s” chances hinge on accurate driving which has never been his forte.
Odds: 26’r-1 10th Appearance
2009 Result: 279 T3rd
It’s been a string of tumultuous weeks for Rusty as first, all the bald guys opted out of the tour and then their replacements succumbed to intestinal disorders before even taking a whiff of the New Guy Rule Book. This combined with him being addicted hook line and sinker to old Happy Hooker articles and Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of Captain Hook has residents of Condo’s built on the left side of the Whistler Fairways boarding up their windows. But have no fear Buckaroo, I’ve got a feeling that this year is going to be a good year for the “Best Player never to have won a Cosmo” Not quite the Cinderella story at the Masters but it will have the patrons at Buffalo Bills, looking up, way up when Rusty enters the room Clad in Plaid!
Odds: 3-2 13th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Zulu" Zawada 2005 Champ
2008 Result: 292 11th
Neither wind, nor pain, nor sleet, nor snow will keep Zulu away from this year’s event which will mark his 10th appearance since his 1997 debut. Zulu will be looking over some 4 leaf clovers to try and rekindle a spark of his 2005 championship magic that has evaporated into a toxic mist reminiscent of an effluent pond. His average placement of 13th since his victory sure makes “Zulu” look like a one-hit wonder, but at least he has had a hit in the past decade founder’s! “Zulu’s” return is perfect timing as the bars in Osoyoos were all fragrance free establishments thanks to the elderly clientele. With the Whistler hotspots welcoming Cougar Cologne, look for “Zulu” to earn some extra cash doling it out of Saturday night!
Odds: 5 iron-1 10th Appearance
Rick “Horse” Heney
2009 Result 281 5th
With the crappy weather that has hit Kamloops of late, “Horse” has been frantically working on returning to his Buddhist roots in an attempt to find the fairway. Just like Tiger, “Horse” has absolutely no confidence in his big stick finding anything but the hairy bushes that seem to appear out of nowhere every time he tees it up. It will be especially challenging for “Horse” to leave the Desert air and return to Whistler after his best ever 5th place finish last year when he shot 3 consecutive 99’s (and a 92!). Unfortunately for “Horse” he will miss the final round this year to gallop back to Kamloops for his son’s graduation. It would be a pity if he had a 10 stroke lead at that point but hey there’s always next year.
Odds: 50-1 5th Appearance
Richard “Doc” Dougherty 2009 Result: 291 10th
With Father time continuing to wheel along, it would be a good idea for “Doc” to become a real MD as the COSMO MASH unit continues to mount. That’s going to tough as his other degrees took decades to obtain, but at least he has something behind his name. “Cosmo Champ” (CC) won’t likely be added to it as there is no way he has a hope unless the Hypnotist he has hired is successful in eliminating the screaming every time “Chateau” is flashed before him. In case the rest of you forgot the accident scene, it was a Net 60-66-86 and a 13 stroke lead that was strewn across the Chateau’s picturesque 18 holes before Dano escaped with an ugly victory.
Odds: 113-1 6th Consecutive Appearance.
2009 result, 293 11th
A revitalized game, new weaponry, and a huge cap make the Winged Wonder the man to beat at Cosmo 16. However, to win the jacket, the Caped Crusader will have to stay one step ahead of Canadian Customs and Child Immigration officers for dealing in Chinese Hop Sing Ping "gifts" made from child labour; two steps ahead of angry Cosmoites he sold the phony Pings to; and three stumbles ahead of the rye guzzling founders who will try to sink him, once again, on Ryeday (and its aftermath on Saturday Cheap tent day). This interim golf coach may have also been creating a little bad Karma after he was caught teaching his Correlieu boys golf team, lessons on "How to Sandbag your Way to Victory". Irregardless of his chances, Steve's been counting the days that he can return to Whistler, this time as an openly heterosexual man (as opposed to Tender's significant other) with a $150 gift certificate to the Chateau that's been burning a hole in his pocket for over a year ... Did I hear "Beer-cart girl drinks are on Batman"??
Odds:点击换图-1 14th Appearance
Barry “Farmer” Brown
2009 result, 301 13th
“Farmer” Brown’s 13th place finish last year brought about a massive retooling of his golf equipment as he totally replaced all of his woods with several illegal weapons. From 3 and 5 Ming Pings to a driver larger than his belt buckle look for “Farmer” to drive it higher, longer and further into the Whistler rainforest than ever before. On a positive note, “Farmer’s” last trip to Whistler in 2004 saw his best ever finish as he shot 3 net rounds in the 70’s to finish in second place. That year also featured the quickest ever leaders shirt appearance downtown and a diabolical ruse by “Sloaner” to get “Farmer” to shout out a name during a hilarious game of Punjabi.
Odds: 460 cc’s:1 6th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ2009 result, 279 T3rdFor the first time in many years Dano hasn’t golfed more than the combined total of the rest of the tour heading into the Cosmo. The expansion of his Coffee Business, the purchase of a Motor Home and his advancing age are all signs that the 2007 Champ has no chance in even wearing a leader shirt this year. However Dano was recently appointed to the COSMO rules committee of which he is the only member, so before you take a Cosmo Drop make sure your playing partners and Dano are looking the other way. With a total of 6 illegally imported clubs scheduled to make their Cosmo debut, Dano has been asked for a ruling from Mao Sing Ping himself?
Odds: 11-1 11th Appearance
Bobby “Booster" Keen 2009 result, 297, 12th
“Booster” is definitely the San Jose Sharks of the Cosmo as he looks good in the Pro Shop but lacks any kind of finish on the links. He has been way more successful with his recent love life and can constantly be seen holding hands with a lady on the Riverfront trail. With the founders already sending out a no provocation warning to the Palmer Marshalls when approaching Tender or Booster, look for Bobby to play quickly on Friday and at the Punjabi Coquihalli table all weekend long. A dependable condo cleaner look for “Booster” to finally show some of the brilliance that he first displayed in 1976.
Odds: 5-1 7th Consecutive appearance.
Who knew the 2008 Champ was such a Bob Hope fan as he has been playing “Shanks for the Memories” ever since his dramatic 12 foot snake gave him the 2008 title. A 6 month extended coffee break allowed “Harry” to find the ultimate Chinese discount golf store. The 100% guaranteed to be forgery HOP SING PING fairway woods have spread like wildfire amongst the Cosmo cheap bastards with 5 hoping to make the trip down Hwy 99. With his time as a house husband and first-aid instructor coming to a close, rumour has it that the dirty Dickster and his Donefor crew will be exporting a few freighters full of high quality 2X4’s back to the SING PING factory.
Odds: 16-1 5th consecutive appearance
Branko “Melon” Cerviaka
2009 result, 282, 6th
If the Melon man continues to improve his placing (12th to 6th) he may be wearing the winners tent on his head come Saturday Night. Stop laughing, he recently had a 3 birdie round and is primed for success, especially with his size 32 XXL handicap. Whatever the case, Branko will be a hero as the recent rash of Cosmo inflections and injuries lead to Dr. Cerviaka hiring a fully equipped Registered Nurse on retainer. Unfortunately for the inflicted, the nurse is a male one by the name of Michelle “You don’t have to turn on your RED light” Burke. Maybe those Advil will work after all?
Odds: 97-1 4th consecutive appearance
Mike “Grasshopper” Burke New Guy
The trophy for the 16th guy, new guy goes to, Ah Grasshopper Mike, AKA Millwright by day and Nurse by night. In less than a week after saving the rest of us $300 because of Lawn Boy Roy’s Kidney, he has already attempted to lobby a Founder for a couple of Handicap strokes. You have much to learn “New Guy” and we have assigned you to learn the ropes from Master “Farmer” who is close to your height and HC. With most of the current crew being forwards it will be interesting to see if they try and protect their goaltender or Cherry pick and then throw him under the bus if he forgets the “New Guy” rules?
Odds:351:1 Virgin
Darrel “Sundin” Leathem
2009 result 311 14th
A less than flattering result last year had “Sundin” considering withdrawing from the tourney until he realized that he can actually write off the entire trip as a business expense. This combined with several outstanding practice rounds (1?) has “Lethal” primed for success. The only complication is the fact his yearlong sabbatical from booze has evaporated which is just what his chances will do come the front 9 on Friday. An expert number and Silver Ingot counter, look for “Sundin” to innocently attempt to forget his stokes especially on par 5’s when a 7,8,or 9 will probably be his real score.
Odds: 13-1 5th appearance
2009 Write-up's
2008 Result: 286 T6th
A model of consistency for a decade and a half of the Cosmo, "Sloaner" just can’t grasp the "Oli" method of handicap management. Finish last one year and you get a sandbagger cap, win, finish last etc. This will once again turn out to be a problem for the Grand poo bah as several of his founder buddies have maneuvered their way to a shoo-in Jacket. That doesn’t appear to phase "Sloaner" as his minor hockey fair play teachings were never more evident than last year during the play-off when he gave "Harry" a free drop after his ball had nestled down into a gopher hole. Few knew that "Billy" was his lottery pick and with the act caught on COSMO HD he will go down in the annals of Cosmodian lore as being too stupid for his own wallet!
Odds: 10th Anny-1 15th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2008 Result: 278 4th
Well sports fans, it has been an extreme makeover Cosmo edition for Tender this spring as he became ill before going to Mexico and is now a clean and sober man. His new found coherency in the evenings should allow him to get his bearings quickly on the course. Stay tuned for the results as this experiment could either help or hurt him as he will be unable to veil the longest losing streak in Cosmo history with the fog that only a Tylenol/ryetown buzz can create. His stellar net 63 in the final round that left him a tantalizing 3 strokes out of a playoff should be all the impetuous he needs (his 25 cap shouldn’t hurt) to finally slay the King Kong sized Monkey who keeps appearing down the stretch.
Odds: 3-1 14th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99 & 03 Champ
2008 Result: 286 T6th
Despite shooting an exquisite gross 75 in the 3rd round last year Hennigar’s opening round of 89 was too much for the mere mortal to overcome. A surprising saving grace for the 2 time Champ may be the fact that his formerly tree lined home course now looks more like a desert than many Arizona tracks. This should play right into "Hennigars" hands as he knows what it takes to tame Tobiano’s treacherous fairways and lightning fast green’s. With this knowledge, the Cosmo organizers have paired Henny with the two highest handicappers on Friday’s back 18 in an obvious attempt to stack the deck in the 2 unjacketed Founders favour.
Odds: 10-1 12th Consecutive Appearance
Billy "The Kid" Kennedy 2001 Champ
2008 Result, 275, 2nd lost in playoff
As he stood on the tee about to hit his ball in the 2008 playoff, the words of the 1974 classic must have been ringing in "The Kids" ears: "Billy don’t be a zero, don’t be a fool with your drive". Unfortunately his tee ball was even worse than his lyric recollection as his ball barely made the ladies tee and eventually sealed his first play-off loss. That memory combined with bunking with "Batman" and missing a makeable putt on the 72nd hole has been a burrowing owl in "The Kid’s" mind for months now. Only time will show if he rebounds from the devastating defeat or does a Len Mattice, never to be heard from again?
Odds: 12-1 9th Appearance
2008 Result: 296 13th
Where the heck has Rusty gone, long time since he was golfing? It’s been the usual frantic spring for "Rusty" which means all of his time has been spent being a chauffeur and dishwasher extraordinaire! Combine this with being just a little bit of wimp when it comes to standing up for his personal needs means, he has almost no chance of challenging for the jacket that is just begging him to win! He has had his share of winning lately as he led his team to his second consecutive Lumber Cup and was also the recipient of the Ralph Beaudry Memorial Trophy making him the 3rd Cosmo regular to win the sportsmanship award. Well Rusty, winners of the Cosmo need to be Sportsmen after they win. Tiger like warriors with nerves and guts of steel who rip victory from less worthy opponents without hesiitation or regret are the men who win the jacket on this tour. Time to get the "Eye of the Tiger Rusty, you coulda,woulda,shoulda be a contenda"!
Odds: 3-2 12th Consecutive Appearance.
Brian "Oli" Oliver 02,04,06 Champ
2008 Result: Disqualified
The first tour regular to DQ himself because of a pre-tourney injury, look for an "Oli" road to redemption this year. The frequent comparisons to "Salo" and "Lindros" didn’t sit well with the Cosmo bench press record holder who despite taking photo and video chronicling to new heights just can’t wait to prove his body isn’t on the verge of the big 5-0. The one year layoff did however totally screw up his record of even year triumphs which he has laughed off as a leap year and gift to Tricky Dicky. It shouldn’t take long for the tale of the tape to be measured as anybody as long, strong and wild as "Oli" will either tame Tobiano or end up southbound on the CN mainline.
Odds: 24-1 9th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Horse" Heney
2007 Result, 222 7th
Having overcome the hassle of being an elected member of a well established fraternity of glorified welcome wagon "Hostesses" , the "Horse" has set his sights on the Triple Crown Royal this time out.
- Wear the Leaders shirt on Day 1 and 2
- Keep his penalty strokes under 10
- Celebrate the victory of a virgin champ without fear of litigation.
Odds: 49-1 4th Appearance
Richard "Doc" Dougherty
2009 Result: 286 6th
Who knew that Doc would be able to bounce back from 2007’s disappointment with a spot in the final group in 2008? Make no mistake about it, this boys got game, we’re just not sure what sport he’s good at? With the average PG temperature hovering at 5 C with a wind chill of –2, thank god that "Doc" will have at least warmed up his balls and lubricated his throat thanks to a 36’r on Wednesday. Being the only southpaw this campaign will be no problem as he will be left right off the calcutta picks.
Odds: 15-1 5th Consecutive Appearance.
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2008 result, 285 5th
Gadzooks! What’s happening in Gotham city? The caped crusader, who hasn't won a Cosmo since the Joker was in diapers, has been curtailed by a lower body injury to his sidekick Tender and the ever present Mrs. B. With a trip to the Philippines to rediscover his mojo, the newly fiftyish boy wonder has big shoes to fill to keep up to his fellow founders spirit consumption, and rumour has it has been teeing of with a wood that doesn't have a 1,3 or even a 5 on it. Will a year of laid back lifestyle, plus an ever expanding handicap help him regain his path back to the glory days of dog houses and hangovers?
Odds: 7 wood-1 12th Appearance
Barry "Farmer" Brown
2004 result, 224 2nd
Another one of the alumni whom the founders had more or less given up on, "Farmer" had to hurdle a couple of hazards on his way to the Cosmo wait list, but "High pockets" managed to high step them to the ground just in time. The last time "Farmer" participated "The Kid" had just won his only Jacket in a playoff over "Oli" who went on to win it all in 2004 by a slim 6 shots over "Farmer" who was the runner up. To say that his only brush with the leader’s shirt in Buffalo Bills was memorable would be an understatement as was "Sloaner" calling him on the phone during a round of Punjabi. The chances of "Farmer" contending this year is pretty well slim and none as the tumbleweeds and cactus will tower over this feisty but diminutive (short) player.
Odds: 65 inches:1 4th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ
2008 result, 289 9th
A return to his old stomping out fire grounds did little for Dano’s game last year which was surprising considering he had played more golf than all the other Cosmo crew combined leading up to the desert storm last year. Things should be looking up for him as he has been doing home reno’s in the pit of despair and agonizing over the Canucks which has kept him from even thinking about the dreaded Y word. Look for Dano to set a new fashion trend this year as he will undoubtedly wear something the rest of us would not be caught naked in San Francisco in!
Odds: 11-1 10th Appearance
Bobby "Booster" Keen
2008 result, 299, 14th
14th wouldn’t be so bad in say the Boston Marathon unless it had a field of 16 and 2 guys were disqualified. The one bright light of "Booster’s" result is that his handicap leapt up 2 strokes to an even bogey golf 18. This should be just what Bobby has been looking for as all he needs to do is to throw several pars, the odd birdie and at no worse, the rest bogeys to be the landslide winner. Sounds simple doesn’t it and for most years he’d be the best bet, unfortunately "Booster" has been avoiding hitting the links altogether not because they’re in bad shape, but because he is scared to create any bad habits or let the self doubt that terrorized him last year to seep into his pyschy.
Odds: 5-1 6th Consecutive appearance.
"Harry" Dick LaLonde
2008 result, 275, 1st won in playoff
To say that "The Champ" has enjoyed being the reigning Cosmo Queen would be a vast understatement as never has one guy been so successful at self promotion or admiration as "Dick". A recent case of the shesheshe, shesheshe, she, she, she, sugar shanks has the 9th man to dawn the jacket just a little nervous about his iron play. Always wanting to improve his game, "Dick" actually hired "Batman" to ebay a set of wedges in a futile attempt to become the first back to back winner. Unfortunately he has failed to hit any of the CG 11’s more than a foot off the ground which has lead to him begging the Quesnel pro for an emergency makeover.
Odds: CG11-1 4th consecutive appearance
Branko "Melon" Cerviaka
2008 result, 293, 12th
A rock solid top 12 was a thing of beauty for the man known as "Melon" who wasn’t quite ready for the primetime action that the desert had to offer? With his brother in law conveniently withdrawing from this year’s session, look for "Melon" to jazz up his play if he ever makes it onto the dance floor. The technology bug may have finally hit as he recently tossed his old equipment aside for get this, an oversized head, tennis racquet. Wrong sport Branko, but. confidence with a shaft in your hands has to start somewhere! With a size 34 handicap to his credit anything is possible and the Cosmo insider is calling for a Leader shirt in "Melon’s" future!
Odds: 97-1 3rd consecutive appearance
Garry "Hulkster" Horley
2008 result 291 10th
You would think retirement would see "Hulkster" constantly on the course as soon as all the temps were gone? Well you know how cheap and ornery retirees get, so all the temps at Quesnel combined with the full price green fee’s have limited Mr Horleys golf time. To ease the boredom he’s been getting a little fire fighting in, but they have been short lived because of the recent snow flurries. Hulkster who is a notorious early riser has volunteered to do all of the breakfast cooking which should come in handy with the ridiculously early tee times? His 2008 result would be disappointing to most, but at his age he’s just happy to be on the green side of the turf.
Odds: 17-1 5th consecutive appearance
Darrel "Sundin" Leathem
1997 result 247 6th
"Sundin" who has been an unrestricted free agent since 1999, was finally claimed off the last chance waiver wire 3 weeks ago. One of the original founders who disappeared along with the scorecards after the 1998 Kalamity in Kelowna, the Bionic Boy decided he needed to witness first hand what the hub bub is all about. On a years sabbatical from bogeys, birdies and booze, look for "Sundin" and "Tender" to fight over the designated driver designation. With this is mind, the organizers have decided that the usual Punjabi Coquihali will be replaced by Tidily winks and lawn darts. Always looking for a mathematical edge, "Sundin" has been lobbying the founders for a "Tender" like cap, but to quote a fellow bean counter "We make Cosmo caps the old fashioned way, we earn them".
Odds: 4th appearance
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2007 result, 223 8th
An ever-present figure in the Cosmo, Batman contemplated a no show for this year’s annual event. It wasn't the long trek to the desert that was the problem. It was the fact that his last years' performance on the course proved once again to be less than stellar, AND that he later broke his favourite new weapon "the Sasquatch" AND that he bungled the scorekeeping so badly that we almost awarded the jacket to the wrong guy, AND the painful memory of missing Saturday night to celebrate with the new champ had all been weighing heavy on the poor guy. Then things started to turn around for the 1996 Champ. Firstly a mid-winter golf trip to Palm Springs proved to him that he CAN play 36 holes per day in the desert AND survive. Then came a new Sasquatch from EBay, and a new custom designed hi-tech computerized scorekeeping program that the Grand Poo Pa Sloaner suggested would help him reduce his stress and workload allowing him to stay up past 10. With the new program in hand and a swagger in his step the realization that this will be his last chance to win before he shuffles off to the Seniors Tour has him drooling in anticipation of once again donning the Green Jacket.
Odds: 1MB-1 12th Appearance
Eric "Bonsai" Bodman
2007 result, 231 13th
“Bonzai”, Laser Eye has had the most radical equipment change since last year. Luckily for his room-mates it was not a gender bending switch but an eye ball makeover (He has made a few strange comments about golfing in the rain and traffic safety lately, so he may have had the 20-20 women vision option?). “Bonzai” was hoping his new and improved vision would bring big gains off the tee. Initial results were disappointing as his early tee shots are erratic at best. This may force “Two eyes” to abandon all of his clubs designed in this century for his trusted 150 CC wooden woods. Another glaring deficiency is his bunker play which needs a complete overhaul if he is to contend in Canada’s only Desert Oasis. A recent round of his life 43-37=80 has the founders looking for extra sandbags as a net 54 will never do!
Odds: 5-1 8th Appearance.
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ
2007 result, 211 1st
How did the player with the least body fat manage to survive the arctic temperatures the last day? He used a steely eyed concentration that left the other front runners gasping for air and sniper fire. “Dan-o’s” 15 stroke comeback was like watching a slow motion Punjabi Coquihalli contest as there were more suicidal shot selections from the leaders than a Phil Mickleson lowlight reel. It’s not a stretch if he has played more holes in 2008 than the other 15 players combined. This fact and the founders “No repeat clause” has resulted in a 3 stroke HC reduction which should make a top 5 finish a distant goal.
Odds: 11-1 9th Appearance.
Bobby “Booster" Keen 2007 result, 229, 11th
“Booster” is either poised for a run at the title or about to spiral into the land that only “Killer” knows. After 4 years of average play, it is time for the warrior to make a stand and this should be the year. One of the handful to play the trifecta of courses in the Deep South, look for Booster to conquer the Augusta fast greens like a young Ben Crenshaw. The first to volunteer to drive the Motor Home proves that “Booster” is a team guy, but Bob, golf is not a team game! So with nothing to lose but his pride and a dozen Pro V’1s, “Booster” will forget what lay-up means and will be aiming at the pins until the sun goes down on Saturday night.
Odds: 5-1 5th Consecutive appearance.
“Harry” Dick LaLonde 2007 result, 225, 9th
“Nice Blow Harry, hard to believe you can hit a ladies club that far” was the phrase of the day during “Harry’s” recent 81. All observers would agree that this boy’s got game and if he can hold it together for 3 days, he’ll be the darkest winner of the Jacket since the infamous “Dev” jewed us out of it in 1998. A new putter than can easily double as a weapon of mass destruction completes his updated look which should go a long way to taming the slippery south Okanagon greens. His 9th place finish last year featured a paltry 12 pars and 1 bird, so although odds makers have him as one of the favourites he still has to prove it under the COSMO flood lights.
Odds: 2-1 3rd appearance
Branko “Melon” Cerviaka
2007 result, 241, 15th
“Melon” was so desperate to return to the tour that he wrote, played and sang a tribute to his sister in law in front of 50 guests. “Hey there Cosmo, what’s it like in the Okanagan, I’m 500 miles away, but boys I’d like to be there to”. Was it a coincidence that 3 of the Founders were in attendance and he was serving them Crown Royal and Coke? We think not. Somehow coercing all the dentists in Kamloops to vote “Horse” into the Chamber of Commerce presidency this year was his final stroke of genius that allowed a repeat performance. Now what the big guy needs to do is somehow improve his eyesight as he looked more like a “Blind Melon” last year as he slashed his way to a 15th place finish.
Odds: 41-1 2nd consecutive appearance
Garry “Hulkster” Horley 2007 result 217 5th The first of the Grey Tsunami of Tour pensioner’s, “Hulkster” looks to take advantage of his idle lifestyle to dominate in Canada’s retirement haven. His 5th place showing last year combined with a sudden surge in hair growth has the other over 50’s on tour wondering if he’s real or Memorex? “Hulkster” may also have an inside track on the desert as he lead a Protection “I” team in a recent initial attack on a wildfire that threatened the entire community. Suffice to say he will be given a hero’s welcome when they realize who he is, especially if he’s wearing Green on Saturday night.
Odds: 17-1 4th consecutive appearance
Randy “Killer” Crofts
2007 result 249, 16th
A secret about “Killer” that was discovered last year is he doesn’t give a crap about how, what or how much he scores on the links. His goal is to have at least 1 par and to drive “Dan-o” crazy whenever the opportunity arises. This should be fun to watch as the “Killer” equalizer has been paired with the defending Champ on the pivotal 2nd day. “Killer’s” wardrobe malfunctions in the mountains may actually blend in with the Osoyoos retirement crowd which should give us the inside track along geriatric lane. Thanks to a 4 stroke Cap improvement look for “Killer” to actually contend this year until it all dissolves faster than Metamucil on the second 18 on Friday.
Odds: 55-1 5th appearance
1997 Write-ups
LEN "SVEN" SLOAN
LEN, A COFOUNDER OF THE TOURNEY, IS LOOKING TO IMPROVE ON HIS DISMAL PERFORMANCE OF LAST YEAR. WITH THE ONLY HILIGHT BEING HIS SCORING OFF THE LINKS, LEN HAS SANDBAGGED HIS CAP TO WHERE HE SHOULD BE A FORCE.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 245, TIED FOR SECOND
ODDS: 3-1
DON "JUAN" DOERKSEN
DON IS HOPING TO SEVERELY INJURE HIMSELF BEFORE THE FIRST ROUND THIS YEAR IF HE HAS ANY HOPE OF DISCOVERING THE MAGIC THAT LED TO HIS FINAL DAY LOW NET SCORE. DON HAS BEEN WORKING ON HIS GAME, WHICH HAS RESULTED IN HIS CAP PLUMMETING TO A RECORD LOW.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 250, FOURTH
ODDS: 6.9 - 1
STEVE "BATMAN’ DODGE
BATMAN, LAST YEARS WIRE TO WIRE CHAMPION IS JUST HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND HIS TITLE. WITH NO PRESSURE ON HIS SHOULDERS HE MAY JUST REPEAT TO PROVE THAT 96 WASN’T A FREAK OF NATURE BUT A DISPLAY OF HIS SUPERIOR SKILL, FINESSE AND ABILITY TO PERFORM WHILE HUNGOVER.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 241, FIRST
ODDS: 10-1
JAMIE "TENDER" STODDARD
THE ONLY REASON WHY "TENDER’ IS RETURNING TO THE SCENE OF HIS UNPRECEDENTED DUAL 114s IS HIS OUTSTANDING BARTENDING SKILLS. IS HOPING THAT HIS MEGABUCKS BIG BERTHA DRIVER WILL GET HIM PAST THE LADIES TEE AND AVOID THE WATER HAZARDS. HAS SWORN OFF SHOOTERS BEFORE NOON IN A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO ACHIEVE RESPECTABILITY.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 292, EIGHTH
ODDS: 649:1
DARREL "LETHAL" LEATHEM
A 3 YEAR VETERAN OF THE CLASSIC "LETHAL" HAS YET TO SHOW UP WITH HIS A, B OR C GAME. DARREL WILL BE HOPING TO HIT SOMETHING IN REGULATION BEFORE SATURDAY NIGHTS SHOOTER BAR LINEUP. HIS ONLY CLAIM TO FAME LAST YEAR WAS AVOIDING THE DREADED UGLY.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 271, SIXTH
ODDS: 21:1
KYLE "FERTILE LYLE" LEWIS
KYLE, THE ONLY KNOWN OWNER OF A BIG BERTHA PUTTER HAS BEEN GETTING EXTRA DISTANCE OUT OF IT THIS SPRING. CONSEQUENTLY, 4 PUTTS ARE BECOMING COMMON PLACE AND WE MAY EVEN SEE A 5 PUTT ON GALLAGHERS SLIPPERY GREENS. BETTING ON "FERTILE" IS NOT AS ATTRACTIVE THIS YEAR AS HIS ODDS HAVE DROPPED BY 600 POINTS.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 275, SEVENTH
ODDS: 99:1
AL "2 STEP" BAKER
AL BELIEVES HE HAS FOUND HIS GAME, IN THE PRO SHOP WHERE HE HAS DROPPED A BUNDLE ON NEW TECHNOLOGY AGAIN THIS YEAR. HIS TEFLON COATED NON STICK PUTTER BY TEFAL HAS HELPED HIM REDUCE HIS HANDICAP TO AN ALLTIME LOW. PERHAPS AN INCREASE IN ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION IS WHAT THIS 2 YEAR "ROOKIE" NEEDS TO DAWN THE GREEN JACKET.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 245, TIED FOR SECOND
ODDS: 38:1
PAT "KY" DEA
PAT HAS MADE THE TREK ACROSS THE MOUNTAINS ONCE AGAIN BUT SWEARS THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT. STARTING WITH KEEPING HIS HANDS OFF LINDA AND PLAYING WITHOUT A SPLITTING HEADACHE ARE HIS TOP PRIORITIES. WITH "Kys" REPUTATION RIDING ON HIS OILER RECRUITS, TOURNAMENT ORGANIZERS ARE HOPING HE DOESN’T TURN INTO A WOOS.
LAST YEARS RESULT - 252, FIFTH
ODDS: 10:1
RUSS "RUSTY" YOUNG
THIS COSMO ROOKIE WHO IS THE 1996 SHOEFLY CHAMP MAY NOT HAVE THE STAMINA FOR A 3 DAY EVENT. ONE OF THE FAVOURITES TO WIN THE JACKET, HE WILL HAVE TO CONTROL HIS PARALYZER INTAKE TO HAVE A SHOT AT THE TITLE. THE OTHER COMPETITORS WILL HAVE TO MONITOR RUSTYS BEER CONSUMPTION ON THE COURSE TO ENSURE HE DOES NOT BECOME DEHYDRATED OR REMAIN SOBER.
ODDS: 5:1
BARRY "FARMER" BROWN
ANOTHER ROOKIE, "FARMER" MAY FIND HIMSELF OVER HIS HEAD AMONGST THIS ELITE FIELD AND THE PREDATOR ROUGH. WILL BE A POPULAR PLAYING PARTNER AS HE WILL "UGLY" AT LEAST TWICE A DAY TO HELP EASE THE COMPETITIVE TENSION. WILL BE LOOKING TO MAKE IT INTO THE TOP TEN WHICH WILL EARN HIM A 5 YEAR EXEMPTION FROM QUALIFYING SCHOOL.
ODDS: 33:1
GEORGE "PINO"NATALIZO
GEORGE WILL HAVE TO AVOID TRYING TO FLOOD THE WATER HAZARDS WITH HIS GOLF CART AS THEY WILL NOT BE FROZEN. "PINO" WILL BE TRYING TO KEEP SCORE UNDER A HUNDRED WHICH MAY TAKE A SMALL MIRACLE. IS THE ODDS ON FAVOURITE TO SCORE A RECORD # OF UGLYS. HIS LOVE OF TURNING IT LOUD MAY RESULT IN THE GROUPS EARLY EXIT FROM THE MOTEL.
ODDS: 40:1
HARV "HARVEST"
ONE OF THE FEARSOME FOURSOME FROM OUT OF THE FROZEN MUSKEG. "HARVEST" WILL HAVE TROUBLE PLAYING WITHOUT WIND, WITH TREES AND ON GREENS THAT HAVE GRASS, NOT SAND OR ASPHALT. IS LOOKING TO HARVEST AT LEAST ONE BIRDIE ON THE WEEKEND, BUT MAY NEED A MULLIGAN TO DO IT.
ODDS: 97:1
ROBIN "TANMAN"
RUMOURS OF BEING BATMAN’S SIDEKICK ARE ERRONEOUS. WILL HAVE TO BE REMINDED TO KEEP HIS SHIRT ON AT ALL TIMES ESPECIALLY WHILE IN THE CLUBHOUSE. HAS BEEN KNOWN TO USE HIS WEDGE ON THE GREENS AND PUTTER OFF THE TEE. HIS LOVE OF MALIBU ON THE ROCKS MAY BE HIS DOWNFALL. HIS 3 YEAR SUSPENSION FROM OPERATING A GOLF CART HAS BEEN RESCINDED FOR THIS WEEKEND.
ODDS: 17:1
PHIL "MyCRACKIN"
WILL HAVE TO KEEP HIS HOOP TO THE WALL AROUND THIS CROWD, ESPECIALLY WHEN "KY" GETS LONELY. MAY HAVE TROUBLE GETTING OVER JETLAG AND THE DROP IN ELEVATION. IS LOOKING TO BE THE FIRST ALBERTAN TO EVER WIN ANYTHING IN B.C. HEROES ARE RALPH KLINE, KD LANG AND PETER POCKLINGTON AND TAKES GREAT OFFENCE IF YOU BAD MOUTH ANY OF THEM.
ODDS: 666:1
RICK "ZULU" ZAWATDA
ANOTHER TOUR ROOKIE, "ZULU" HAS RECENTLY BEEN DISCIPLINED FOR DRIVING GOLF BALLS OFF THE ROOF OF THE STEAM PLANT AND HITTING BUNKER SHOTS OUT OF THE CHIP PILE. IS ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE TOURNEY SO THAT HE CAN SHOW DON "JUAN" HIS TIGER WOODS LIKE GOLF SWING. HAS RECENTLY OBTAINED AN UNLIMITED LINE OF CREDIT TO PAY FOR WHAT SHOULD BE A RECORD BREAKING "UGLY" DISPLAY.
ODDS: 45:1
BRIAN "BALL HUNTER" HUNT
BRIAN, THE FINAL QUALIFIER FOR THE EVENT, HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE HAS GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO. HE THOUGHT HE WAS BUSY LAST YEAR DURING THE GROCREY STRIKE, WELL THAT WILL BE A WALK IN THE PARK COMPARED TO THE 3 COURSES AND HIS FELLOW COMPETITORS. 2 DOZEN BALLS MAY NOT BE ENOUGH AMUNITION AS HE MAY HAVE TO RELOAD EVERY HOLE.
ODDS: 123:1
2001 Write-ups
LEN "SLOANER" SLOAN 97/00 CHAMP
"SLOANER" WILL BE READY FOR ANYTHING ON OR OFF THE COURSE THIS YEAR. HIS HIKARATE TRAINING SHOULD TAKE CARE OF ANY TEENAGERS WHO TRY TO RIP HIS SHIRT. HIS SHORT GAME IS ON FIRE AFTER A YEAR OF BEING A KEPT MAN. CHANCES ARE HE'LL TRY AND USE A LITTLE SAND TO REPEAT BUT THE BOY'S WILL MAKE SURE HIS CAP IS 4 OR LESS.
ODDS: 2-1 7th Consecutive appearance.
JAMES "TENDER’ STODDARD
SEVERAL WELL KNOWN CPGA PROFESSIONALS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO REBUILD "TENDER'S" SWING, OBVIOUSLY TO NO AVAIL. HAS CONSTRUCTED A PRACTICE FACILITY IN HIS BACK 40TO FIND HIS GROOVE, WHICH HAS NECESSITATED PURCHASE OF A LOAD OF TOPSOIL TO FILL IN THE MASSIVE DIVOT. LOOK FOR "TENDER" TO BIRDIE THE 18TH TO BREAK 100 ON DAY 2.
ODDS: 747-1 6th Consecutive appearance
BRIAN "OLI" OLIVER "NEW GUY"
A MUCH ANTICIPATED NEWCOMER TO THE FIELD, "OLI'S" TUMMY HAS BEEN SAYING HOWDY EVER SINCE HE CONFIRMED HIS ENTRY. HAS BEEN KNOWN TO GO DEEP WITH A SLIGHTLY LARGER BALL, SO MAY NOT BE IN HIS ELEMENT ON THE LINKS. KNOWN FOR HIS RAZOR SHARP ONE LINERS AND FOR BEING A BLEEDER, '"OLI" SHOULD EARN THE VETERANS RESPECT AT THE POOL.
ODDS: 90-1 1st appearance
RUSS "RUSTY" YOUNG
"RUSTY" HAS RESORTED TO TECHNOLOGY TO TRY AND REVITILISE HIS ERRATIC GAME. NEW IRONS WILL NOT BE THE ANSWER UNLESS "RUSTY" LEARNS HOW TO DRIVE UNDER PRESSURE. HIS LIMITED PLAY ON A "REAL" COURSE COULD BE HIS DOWNFALL AS ACCURACY AND DISTANCE ARE PARAMOUNT, ESPECIALLY AT RIVERSHORES. POTENTIAL MAY FINALLY BE REALIZED.
ODDS: 4-1 5th Consecutive appearance
BRIAN "DUMER" DUMAINE
"DUMER" HAS DECIDED HE'S HAD ENOUGH FUN THE LAST 4 YEARS AND WILL BE FOCUSED ON VICTORY LIKE NEVER BEFORE. NEVER ONE TO PRACTICE MUCH, "DUMER" WILL HAVE TO TRUST HIS NATURAL ATHLETIC SWING TO HAVE ANY HOPE OF MAKING THE TOP 10. ROOMING WITH THE WILD ONES SHOULD ALLOW HIM THE 4 HOURS SLEEP THAT HE NEEDS TO REALLY PERFORM.
ODDS: 41-1 4th Consecutive appearance
WES "HENNIGAR" PEDERSON 99 CHAMP*
"HENNIGAR" IS STILL SMARTING AFTER LAST YEAR’S HORRENDOUS FINAL DAY FINISH WHEN. HIS WARDROBE LOOKED MARVELOUS, BUT HIS GAME DESERTED HIM EARLY AND OFTEN. HAS PLAYED MORE ROUNDS IN 2001 THAN 7 OF HIS COMPETITORS COMBINED. IF "HENNIGAR" SHOOTS AS LOW AS HIS CURRENT INVESTMENT RETURNS, LOOK FOR ANOTHER STRONG PODIUM FINISH.
ODDS: 5-2 4th Consecutive appearance
STEVE "BATMAN" DODGE 96 CHAMP
"BATMAN" HAS BEEN STUDYING THE PHENOMINON THAT IS TENDER TO HELP WORK IT LEFT TO RIGHT. ALMOST JOINED THE JUNIOR CIRCUIT UNTIL SEVERAL FREE BEERS TWISTED HIS ARM TOWARD THE COSMO. HAS BEEN PUMPING IRON JUST IN CASE LEN PRECIPITATES A BRAWL AGAIN. HAS THE CONSISTENT SHORT GAME TO MAKE IT BACK TO THE TOP 10.
ODDS: 341-1 5TH Appearance
DAN "DANNO’’ BERARD
"DANNO" HAS GOLFED ALMOST AS OFTEN AS "HENNIGAR" AS HE CONTINUES TO WORK 7/24 ON HIS LEISURE ACTIVITIES. HAS STUDIED TIGERS EVERY MOVE SINCE LAST YEAR AND WILL BE WEARING BLOOD RED EYES ON SATURDAY. "DANNO" DESPERATELY WANTS HIS NAME ON THE COAT SO WATCH OUT FOR AN INFLATED CAP, A FAST START AND WATER IN HIS CAN.
ODDS: 9.9-1 3rd Appearance
BILLY "THE KID" KENNEDY
"THE KID" IS BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND. HIS NON STOP ONE LINERS MADE HIM A FAN FAVOURITE AT JACK DANIELS AND WITH THE GOLDEN GIRLS. BILLY PROVED THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WELL TO LOOK GOOD, WHICH HE EXCELLED AT. HECTIC FAMILY AND WORK COMITTMENTS HAVE LIMITED HIS PLAYING TIME IN 2001, SO LOOK FOR "THE KID" TO PLAY SPOILER.
ODDS: 68-1 3rd Consecutive appearance
EDDIE "OFFSIDE" SANKEY
"OFFSIDE" IS BACK AGAIN TO PROVE THAT LAST YEAR WAS NO FLUKE. MAKING THE TOP 10 AND BERATING THE LEADERS EARNED HIM A WELL-DESERVED VETERAN 2 THUMBS UP. SLEEPING IN A BED FULL OF BROKEN GLASS PROVED THAT HE IS AS TOUGH AS NAILS OR AS SMART AS A SACK OF HAMMERS. LOOK FOR EDDIE TO MAKE A RUN AT THE LEAD BEFORE SETTLING FOR THE TOP 5.
ODDS: 6PACK-1 2nd consecutive appearance
ERIC "BONSAI" BODMAN
THE WINNER OF THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW GUY" OF THE YEAR AWARD, BONSAI GOT DOWN AND DIRTY LIKE A VETERAN OF MANY CAMPAIGNS. THE FIRST JOHNSTON SUB KID TO JUMP TO THE DEFENSE OF "SLOANER" IN SALMON ARM, "BONSAI" PROVED HE MAKES UP FOR A LACK OF BULK WITH LIGHTNING QUICK REFLEXES. "BONSAI" HAS DONE HIS BEST TO KEEP HIS CAP IN THE 20'S BUT HIS SANDBAGGING DAYS ARE OVER.
ODDS: 19-1 2nd Consecutive appearance
KERRY "HAWK" CUNNINGHAM NEW GUY
"HAWK" HAS FINALLY BROKEN INTO THE COSMO STARTING LINEUP AFTER YEARS ON THE SHOEFLY.COM TOUR. KNOWN FOR HIS EXPLOSIVE DISTANCE OFF THE TEE AND UNCANNY ABILITY TO HIT THE BALL WITH BOTH FEET OFF THE GROUND, "HAWK" IS A GOOD BET TO WIN SOMEKIND OF AWARD. HIS DEMISE MAY TURN OUT TO BE THE NON-STOP NIGHTLIFE KAMLOOPS IS RENOWNED FOR.
ODDS: 26-1 1ST Appearance
2004 Write-ups
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2003 result, 242, 7th
Like a former Playboy Bunny who’s discovered new implants, the Cosmo’s version of Freddie Couples has been seen tinkering with his game, trying out drivers the size of Volkswagons to rekindle his fading (or hooking) game. Batman has shaken off statisticians efforts to inflate his handicap and will probably have better luck talking the girl on the beer cart into switching shirts. The caped crusader will insists he doesn’t live in the past as he sips his Old Style in his Bonanza T-Shirt , listening to the Eagles on his 8-Track.
Odds: Ronald Reagan-1 7th Appearance.
Eric "Bonsai" Bodman
Returning to the tour after a 1-year wife induced exile, Bonsai has several scores to settle with the Whistler links. A cold pale, almost frightening grimace enveloped Bonsai’s face when he was informed of the back to back Whistler Golf Club reservations. It was on holes 7 through 13 of Palmer’s masterpiece that Bonsai blew a crankshaft as large as the Titanic's. Yes, a promising start that saw him stand 6 over after 6, led to an awkward, humiliating and sometimes incomprehensible run of 6 triples, followed by a moose (24 over). Final score Arnie 1, Bonsai 106.
Be afraid Bonsai, be very afraid, Amen corner knows who you are, and has been waiting for you!
Odds: (18 X 2)-1 4th Appearance.
Dan "Dan-o" Berard
2003 result, 239, 6th
"Dan-o" was one of the most consistent golfers last year with his low and high nine’s only being 3 shots apart. Unfortunately for Dan-o, his downfall was shooting a combined 15 over on the par 5’s! Needless to say, Dan-o has been working on his course management that seems to double cross him as often as his comb over. Living in Lotus land has enabled Dano to golf year round, which inevitably contributes to his downfall. At his advanced age, he tends to peak sometime between February and March and is a shriveled shell of a golfer by the time the Cosmo rolls around.
Odds: 12-1 5th Appearance.
Bobby "Booster" Keen New Guy
"Booster" will be making his inaugral appeaarance at the big show, having participated in several "Ride-her cups". It won’t take long for "Booster" to feel the difference quality, honour and history make. A member of the legendary Quesnel Keen sporting family, it will be interesting to see if his golfing talent is due to a continuous supply of free sporting goods or a natural ability. An intense competitor on the ice, look for Booster to exhibit a warrior like demeanor on and off the dance floor. Is rumoured to be an instigator of several drinking games, but does he know "Punjabi Coquihally" like the veterans do?
Odds: 5-1 .
Punjabi Coquihalli, another Cosmo tradition.
Randy "Killer" Crofts
2003 result, 247, 11th
The hands down rookie of the year, RANDY made good use of his video camera to catch some classic Cosmo footage. Unfortunately Killers cinematography prowness didn’t help his scoring on the links. With 3 of his 4 pars coming on par 3’s, Killer showed that size doesn’t always matter. He set a new standard for the trouble you can get into while in a line-up and is looking to continue that trend. His raw untapped talent should see him climb the ladder into the rare air of the Cosmo top 5.
Odds: 54-1 2nd appearance
Alex "The Mayor" Darragh New Guy
The Mayor has put in 25 long years of supervising a shovel and acres of lawns to earn his first Cosmo appearance. A surprisingly strong showing at the 2003 Shoe-fly and Jimmy Brown made him a natural selection for the big tour. Never known as a durable drinker, look for "The Mayor" to head home early from the club and drink water on the back 9. His worship is Farmer Browns cousin, which explains his XL head and touch around the greens. As the first red head to qualify for this event beware of a volatile temper known to tomahawk clubs left, right and center.
Odds: 98.6-1 1st Appearance
2005 Write-up's
Len "Sloaner" Sloan 97 & 00 Champ
2004 Result: 248 9th
It was a sight strikingly reminiscent of 911 and close to Lucky Lenny’s stag, but the sorrow, heartbreak and confusion that the faithful had when their "Superman" was brought to his knees was and still is unbearable. It would be a challenge for any mortal to grasp the torch that Lucky Len dropped, but then again, was it an aberration of the former hero that we saw last year? Suffice to say, we’re all hoping that we never see "Sloaner" and "Tender" tied for last place again! A betting man would put a grand on the founder to make a triumphant comeback, but a smart man would bet the founder, flounders once again!
Odds: Hwy 97-1 11th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2004 Result: 257 Last
Tender had always set his sights on the immortal Sloaner. In 2004 it was a crushing, cruel and ironic kick to the crotch for him that being neck and neck with the founder would leave him last after 18 holes. Knowing when to jump ship, Tender seems to be a new man this year. He can’t putt, hits his drives straight and laces his irons? This never before seen combination can only mean one thing……"Tender" will wear the leaders shirt! Hopefully the vomit will be removed quickly enough to limit the stench. Undoubtedly the "Cosmo" Cap will see "tenders" net score drop to an all-time low, as will his functioning brain cells.
Odds: 8 degree-1 10th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99 & 03 Champ
2004 Result: 247 8th
Having finished a startling and rather sad 31 strokes behind his victorious 2003 pace, a trim, slim and viagrated "Hennigar" has promised to be back in 2005. Combine this with the curse of having the least hair of the crew removed, look for "Hennigar" to regain the cocky strut of the man he used to be. It shouldn’t hurt having taken lessons from the defending Simon Fraser Open Champ unless snowboarding is a between round activity. Lest we forget the ironclad Wesley of 2003, if he once again hits 90% of the fairways and drains everything within 8 feet, he should be the first to 3 peater!
Odds: Hawaii Five 0-1 8th Consecutive Appearance
Billy "The Kid" Kennedy 2001 Champ
Having made it out of Africa with his scalp should make this former Champ ready to regain his former fame. Survey says the youngest member of the crew will be the instigator of most of the shenanigans that will result in Motel Manager eviction threats. Having finished 27 strokes off the pace in 2003 should finally wake up the big easy to display some of his magic that last appeared in Kamloops. Look for "The Kid" to start fast, falter early and then turn the jets on late to finish in the to half of the pack.
Odds: 34-1 6th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young
2004 Result: 225 3rd
Will 2005 be "Rusty’s" year to finally shake off the "Best Player never to win the Jacket" handle that Dan-o and him have been passing back and forth like a hot potato? After last years best ever finish thanks to a flask of rye a round, there was genuine hope in the Rusty camp, but that hope has slowly dwindled away. If golf was measured by your first 2 shots each hole, he would be a landslide winner. It’s the sh, sh, sh short game that gets Mollllly McButter all lathered up. The last time he played south of Quesnel, there was major bloodshed as he sculled more balls than Jolly Roger. This forced the 9-time participant into playing the Quesnel mini-tour with a hope that somehow, someway his prayers will finally be answered.
Odds: 19-1 9th Consecutive Appearance.
Brian "Oli" Oliver 02 and 04 Champ
2004 Result: 218 First
It took awhile, but Cue the Comeback came back with a Classic bit of golfing skill, usually reserved for the hooters tour. His 34 stroke improvement from worst to first has given hope to players like "Killer", "Tender" and "Sloaner" to grab the torch of golfing greatness and overcome their physical and mental deficiencies. "Oli" will be trying to avoid the first to worst that happened in 2002/03 and shouldn’t have a problem if the Jose Cuervo is allowed to speak. Look for "Oli" to bring wonder and awe to the "New Guys" when he unleashes one of his patented 250 yard 2 irons.
Odds: 46-1 5th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Horse" Heney "New Guy"
Never known to have anything even remotely close to a golf game has forced "Horse" to stoop to drastic measures. A fabulous new house on the 8th hole at Sun Rivers seems like a lot to pay just for a couple of chances at birdie, but hey he gets his money the old fashioned way. He "Earns It". Being a respected Lawyer (Oxymoron!) in Kamloops has allowed him to become a Director of the Chamber of Commerce where the girls know him as "Rock Honey". He’ll be between a rock and a hard place often in Kelowna as his inability to hit his driver well will force him into unleashing a 2-iron that is amazingly long and often erratic. Nothing that his finely honed short game that appeared as fragile as "Tenders" shouldn’t be able to overcome, or turn
Odds: 457,232-1 1st Appearance.
Richard "Doc" Dougherty "New Guy"
After a decade of being on the outside looking into wonderland "Doc" has finally locked onto the opportunity like a Surrey pitbull. The only problem is that he is absolutely unprepared for this level of golf competition or marathon drinking. His roommates have been warned to monitor his Rye and Coke intake closely or suffer the sometimes dire and Technicolor consequences. A southpaw with a "Lefty" like weakness for trying the high risk and low reward shots, fellow players would be wise not to venture close to sandtraps, water hazards, cart paths and beer carts that his balls are inexplicably drawn to.
Odds: 341x12-1 1st Appearance.
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2004 result, 234, 5th
It seems that Batman has a whole new sense of psychological well being this year with his new "Mind Over Matter" outlook on life, and he feels that it’sshowing up in an improved more controlled golf game. This along with our return to the venue of his only "W" way back in '96, and the fact that shaving his head to raise money for charity might have the Golf-Gods in his favour may just result in our very own Masked Marvel shedding his cape for the green jacket this year. His return to the winner's podium may however be foiled by his turning down his wife's offer to buy him a golf membership (BIG mistake, Batman) so he hasn't played as many pre-Cosmo practice rounds in as he could have. Look for Steve to keep his driver in the bag thereby keeping his score respectable (i.e.: under 100) unless he has "Horse" in his foursome to bring him down.
Odds: 3-2 9th Appearance.
Eric "Bonsai" Bodman
2004 result, 241, 6th
Making his first trip to the Okanagan Valley with the Cosmo Tour is "Bonsai" Bodman! His stellar performance last year at the Palmer course can only be classified as gutsy. Shooting rounds of 77/78 on a course that chewed him up and spewed him ala Dan-o was good and a little suspicious (Was anybody counting for him?) for sure. An infamous sandbagger, look for the 26 handicap "Bonsai" to creep even closer to the medals this year. His only distraction will be his proximity to the TOLKO headquarters, which may keep him on the straight and arrow at the Mary Kaye/Mary-Kate and Ashley Clubs.
Odds: 2-iron-1 5th Appearance.
Dan "Dan-o" Berard
2004 result, 226, 2nd
"Dan-o" had a prolonged and kind of creepy sniff of the emerald tweed known in golfing circles as "The Jacket" in 2004 than ever before. His second place showing proved that he’s more than just an amazingly lucky man. Early scouting reports indicate that his snorting of coffee beans and cow like grazing habits may have induced a yip-yap-yup putting stroke reminiscent of Ian Baker-Finch. "Dan-o" will have to talk himself out of these fears quick as we all know how treacherous the concrete greens can be in the OK Valley.
Odds: 6’-2"-1 6h Appearance.
Bobby "Booster" Keen
"2004 result, 245, 7th
Booster was just happy to survive his first COSMO without frostbite or tequila poisoning. His golf game showed a few flashes of brilliance but he needs to find a more consistent putting stroke to improve his 7th place finish. Not known to avoid confrontation on the ice, Booster had to resort to wading through Whistler Creek hunting for golf balls or he would have pummeled a Marshall. Old age may be catching up to Booster despite his Warrior juice supply as he just can’t seem to hit a long ball anymore which will put intense pressure on the short game that let him down so dramatically last year.
Odds: 49-1 2nd Appearance.
Randy "Killer" Crofts
2004 result, 256, 11th
"Killers" second consecutive 11th place finish was one of the main reasons for the sandbagging trio of Rusty, Batman and Tender incorporating a Cosmo Cap for 2005. "Killer" will now have 36 reasons each round to try and make the top 10. It shouldn’t matter much as "Killer" shows up for the reminiscing over the good old days when he had hair, his biceps were as big as his belly and he actually worked for a living. Known to get rowdy and kick over Harley's while in Kelowna, look for "Killer" to end up in a Paddy wagon on Saturday night.
Odds: 98-1 2nd appearance
Rick "Zulu" Zawata New Guy!
Watch out Jethro, "Zulu" is back and he’s got a new pair of Osh Koshs to prove it. After a third place finish in 2003, being 2 hours late in 99-degree heat put the kibosh on 2004 for the man known as Mary Kaye! Several Cosmo regulars missed him dearly as they were forced to use Randy’s Oldspice last year. Look for Zulu to take advantage of his 31 for 2 HC to wear the leader shirt at least once. Unfortunately for Zulu the only thing that should be afraid, very afraid is the ladies tee-off box which will see him drop his drawers more often than a "Tender" last place finish!
Odds: 69-1 7th appearance
Garry "Hulkster" Horley New Guy
Hulkster was the last bald man entered until "Batman" joined the ever-expanding team by shaving his scalp. Watch out for Garry when you get into the corners, as he has been known to keep his shaft high and his elbows low. "Hulkster" and "Zulu" have engaged in a series of Email barbs about "Tee Totaling" bragging rights that may spill over to the OK Coral dance floor. Not known to have the game to withstand intense heat, look for the "Hulkster" to look more like Pee-wee Herman than Lou Ferrigno when Saturday rolls around.
Odds: 50-1 1st appearance
Gary "Arnold" Dutz New Guy
The 15th alternate who made it into the tourney after a Monday qualifying round (of Corona’s) is well known Kelowna body builder Gary "Arnold" Dutz. It’s not often that a logger from Moberly Lake can trade a skidder and stroker for a Worlds Gym franchise in Paradise, but the real "Arnold" is a Governor isn’t he? Unfortunately for "Arnold", he has been playing golf on the lady friendly Harvest links, which is like mini golf compared to the brutal layouts that this year’s tour has chosen. "Arnold" should start out fast but after a couple of cerveza it’ll be hasta la vista baby!
Odds: 13-1 1st appearance
2006 Write-ups
Len "Sloaner" Sloan 97 & 00 Champ
2005 Result: 214 14th If 2 top 2’s in the early days was a trend caused by superior skill, a 9th and 14th can only be attributed to a popgun having replaced a bazooka. The one promising stat from last year is that he actually crept 6 shots closer to the Champ from 2004 where he was a full 30 shots behind “Oli”. Was knighting 3 new founders last year the nail in Sloaners Jacket Box or was it a poignant and classy act befitting the original “Lord of the Links”? These and many more stories await to be told as the sweet 16 venture into the toughest 54 holes in tourney history.
Odds: 1997-1 12th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2005 Result: 210 8th Most golfers would have given up all hope long ago, but the years of dedication shown by this athlete is truly remarkable. Finally “Tender”, by virtue of his “Founder” status, has devised a handicap scheme that sees him climb to an awe inspiring 27. Yes that’s correct, he gets 1.5 strokes each and every hole! Breathtaking for sure as it takes him to within 1 of the defending Champ Zulu. His play of late may put his sandbagging scheme to the test as his patented left to right fade has begun to fail him.
Odds: 27-1 11th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99 & 03 Champ
2005 Result: 215 12th “Hennigar” actually started off last year on a roll, as his net 66 was the 4th best of the opening day. Somewhere between the 18th at the Bear and the 18th at the Ranch his game left him as he limped in with a second to worst net 78 to drop him all the way back to a tie for twelfth. It might have been his swing but many believe it was the trauma after being left behind at the nightclub and earning a new meaning of the “D.H.” that caused the colossal collapse. Several recent trips to the chiropractor and the massage therapist “Olga” may be what “Hennigar” needs to mend his ailing back, but it’s his psychologist that needs to mend his mind for him to have a chance.
Odds: 49-1 9th Consecutive Appearance
Billy “The Kid” Kennedy 2001 Champ
2005 Result, 201, 4th The Cosmo Tours edition of the “Big Easy” was back with a vengeance last year as his return after a 1 year layoff saw him regain his 2001 Champion’s form. A career altering fire that gutted his family’s Chase businesses at Christmas may have slowed ordinary people, but not “The Kid”. With a new perspective on life, he’s looking forward to relaxing with the boys, pounding some drives and winning more than his share of hold-em hands. With an even more relaxed demeanor, how can he lose?
Odds: 52-1 7th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young
2005 Result: 198 2nd Nobody has performed better the past 2 years than “Rusty”, who just needs a Gold to complete his Bronze and Silver Olympian showings. A return to Predator will be an ultimate test as there are several demons lurking that “Rusty” has had ample time to contemplate during a laid back spring. Unfortunately for the newly crowned founder, his purchase of a G2 driver has not eliminated the dreaded He, Ha Hook off the tee. With the ailment having now progressed all the way to his 7-iron, a third consecutive top 3 seems rather remote.
Odds: 19-1 10th Consecutive Appearance.
Brian "Oli" Oliver 02 and 04 Champ
2005 Result: 213 10th We may need to rename “Oli”, “Yo-Yo” as he has some how gone from First to Worst, to First, to 10th in his last 4 events. If this big fella ever got consistent it would be down right scary! His erratic behaviour has had one advantage as his COSMO Cap rises to a solid 24 pack. With the digs down town this year look for “Oli” to be seen strutting his stuff on Muscle Beach where he will turn more than one ladies head. Oli should make an amazing comeback after getting kicked by Predator, only to fall short of a 3rd Jacket by a whisker.
Odds: 26-1 6th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Horse" Heney
2005 Result: 203 6th One year of Cosmo experience and “Horse” has already worn the Leader shirt one more time than Tender. His net 56*on Friday which was sandwiched by 2 respectable rounds in the 70’s, showed why his handicap is over 20 (Erratic, inconsistent, temperamental, unpredictable). His one step forward 2 step back bunker disability should be a treat to watch on several of Predator’s well protected putting services. “Horse’s” one saving grace is his 20 rounds on greens that are as slick, sloped and stimped as the 3 on the agenda this year. Tragic that he’ll be lying 5 by the time his ball shows it’s dimpled head!
*Lowest score in Cosmo History.
Odds: 56-1 2nd Appearance.
Richard “Doc” Dougherty 2005 Result: 205 7th A solid 7th has this High School principal salivating at his good fortune, as the Cosmo is the only holiday he gets without being at teenager’s beck and call. He will, however be more of a threat on the dance floor and poker table as his golf game is non existent. Don’t be surprised if “Doc” uses his Irish luck to stay with the leaders for a round or two until his lack of a short game fizzles his hopes faster than a Cosmo Sunday morning bowel movement. His one hope of contending is the fact that he is the only lefty in the field and we all know what kind of major run Phil is on.
Odds: 99-1 2nd Appearance.
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2005 result, 202, 5th
It seems that Batman has a whole new sense of psychological well being this year with his new "Mind Over Matter" outlook on life, and he feels that it’sshowing up in an improved more controlled golf game. This along with our return to the venue of his only "W" way back in '96, and the fact that shaving his head to raise money for charity might have the Golf-Gods in his favour may just result in our very own Masked Marvel shedding his cape for the green jacket this year. His return to the winner's podium may however be foiled by his turning down his wife's offer to buy him a golf membership (BIG mistake, Batman) so he hasn't played as many pre-Cosmo practice rounds in as he could have. Look for Steve to keep his driver in the bag thereby keeping his score respectable (i.e.: under 100) unless he has "Horse" in his foursome to bring him down.
Odds: 3-2 10th Appearance.
Eric "Bonsai" Bodman
2005 result, 199 3rd
Making his first trip to the Okanagan Valley with the Cosmo Tour is "Bonsai" Bodman! His stellar performance last year at the Palmer course can only be classified as gutsy. Shooting rounds of 77/78 on a course that chewed him up and spewed him ala Dan-o was good and a little suspicious (Was anybody counting for him?) for sure. An infamous sandbagger, look for the 26 handicap "Bonsai" to creep even closer to the medals this year. His only distraction will be his proximity to the TOLKO headquarters, which may keep him on the straight and arrow at the Mary Kaye/Mary-Kate and Ashley Clubs.
Odds: 2-iron-1 6th Appearance.
Dan "Dan-o" Berard
2005 result, 212, 9thd
"Dan-o" had a prolonged and kind of creepy sniff of the emerald tweed known in golfing circles as "The Jacket" in 2004 than ever before. His second place showing proved that he’s more than just an amazingly lucky man. Early scouting reports indicate that his snorting of coffee beans and cow like grazing habits may have induced a yip-yap-yup putting stroke reminiscent of Ian Baker-Finch. "Dan-o" will have to talk himself out of these fears quick as we all know how treacherous the concrete greens can be in the OK Valley.
Odds: 6’-2"-1 7th Appearance.
Bobby "Booster" Keen
"2005 result, 215, 12th
Booster was just happy to survive his first COSMO without frostbite or tequila poisoning. His golf game showed a few flashes of brilliance but he needs to find a more consistent putting stroke to improve his 7th place finish. Not known to avoid confrontation on the ice, Booster had to resort to wading through Whistler Creek hunting for golf balls or he would have pummeled a Marshall. Old age may be catching up to Booster despite his Warrior juice supply as he just can’t seem to hit a long ball anymore which will put intense pressure on the short game that let him down so dramatically last year.
Odds: 49-1 3rd Appearance.
Len "Sloaner" Sloan 97 & 00 Champ
2005 Result: 214 14th
If 2 top 2’s in the early days was a trend caused by superior skill, a 9th and 14th can only be attributed to a popgun having replaced a bazooka. The one promising stat from last year is that he actually crept 6 shots closer to the Champ from 2004 where he was a full 30 shots behind "Oli". Was knighting 3 new founders last year the nail in Sloaners Jacket Box or was it a poignant and classy act befitting the original "Lord of the Links"? These and many more stories await to be told as the sweet 16 venture into the toughest 54 holes in tourney history.
Odds: 1997-1 12th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2005 Result: 210 8th
Most golfers would have given up all hope long ago, but the years of dedication shown by this athlete is truly remarkable. Finally "Tender", by virtue of his "Founder" status, has devised a handicap scheme that sees him climb to an awe inspiring 27. Yes that’s correct, he gets 1.5 strokes each and every hole! Breathtaking for sure as it takes him to within 1 of the defending Champ Zulu. His play of late may put his sandbagging scheme to the test as his patented left to right fade has begun to fail him.
Odds: 27-1 11th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99 & 03 Champ
2005 Result: 215 12th
"Hennigar" actually started off last year on a roll, as his net 66 was the 4th best of the opening day. Somewhere between the 18th at the Bear and the 18th at the Ranch his game left him as he limped in with a second to worst net 78 to drop him all the way back to a tie for twelfth. It might have been his swing but many believe it was the trauma after being left behind at the nightclub and earning a new meaning of the "D.H." that caused the colossal collapse. Several recent trips to the chiropractor and the massage therapist "Olga" may be what "Hennigar" needs to mend his ailing back, but it’s his psychologist that needs to mend his mind for him to have a chance.
Odds: 49-1 9th Consecutive Appearance
Billy "The Kid" Kennedy 2001 Champ
2005 Result, 201, 4th
The Cosmo Tours edition of the "Big Easy" was back with a vengeance last year as his return after a 1 year layoff saw him regain his 2001 Champion’s form. A career altering fire that gutted his family’s Chase businesses at Christmas may have slowed ordinary people, but not "The Kid". With a new perspective on life, he’s looking forward to relaxing with the boys, pounding some drives and winning more than his share of hold-em hands. With an even more relaxed demeanor, how can he lose?
Odds: 52-1 7th Appearance
2007 Write-up's
Len "Sloaner" Sloan 97 & 00 Champ
2006 Result: 206 5th
When the tough got going, "Sloaner" almost disappeared in 2005 with a 14th place "performance". Most of the COSMO faithful refused to believe the "Washed up" headlines and "Sloaner" rewarded them with a respectable 5th last year. With this positive result and the memory of a runner up showing the last time the tour stopped in Whistler look for "Lucky Lenny" to be in the hunt deep into the back 9 at Chateau. More golf than usual leading up to the 13th edition should also build his confidence, except that "Rusty" will have bombed his drives 50 yards past him with only a few sleeps to go before "Oli" knocks the opening high hard one at Big Sky. Inquiring minds want to know, why with a 100,000 people in Kelowna, "Sloaner" couldn’t think of a single guy to replace "Zulu", maybe the Grand Poobah is only grand in the Cosmo universe?
Odds: 3-1 13th Consecutive appearance.
Jamie "Tender" Stoddard
2006 Result: 216 10th
The participant with the longest winless streak must break out of the mediocre rut that has plagued him this millennium. Since 2001 he has a 9th, 11th, 10th, 12th, 8th and 10th place finish, not bad for the PGA tour but their fields are slightly larger. He will need to somehow catch the magic in a bottle that he enjoyed in 2000 where he somehow clawed out his only podium appearance with a 3rd place finish. Leaving the big stick at home and playing for bogeys might give him a chance but the temporary full frontal lobotomy procedure should allow "Tender" to at least wear the leader shirt for the first time.
Odds: 5-1 12th Consecutive Appearance
Wes "Hennigar" Pederson 99 & 03 Champ
2006 Result: 201 2nd
Although when asked "Hennigar" won’t admit it, but he is completely aware of the final round neck tightening that has been occurring lately. In fact, a peek at the past 7 final rounds show that "Hennigar" is the only player who has managed to shoot his worst round of the tourney on each and every Saturday! This has caused the 2-time Champ to completely rebuild his grip from a strong overlapper to a weak interlocker knee knocker. Hopefully this drastic overhaul will allow "Hennigar" to test its cohesiveness under the pressure that only a Cosmo final round can provide.
Odds: 10-1 10th Consecutive Appearance
Billy "The Kid" Kennedy 2001 Champ
2006 Result, 205, 4th
"The Kids" second consecutive 4th place finish has Billy drooling at the prospect of a Whistler reunion where his loopy swing will be able to power through the mile high air. Unfortunately he may have forgotten his last 2 appearances in the mountains resulted in less than sterling 10th and 8th place finishes, but hey, who’s counting. Look for "The Kid" to find his groove at Big Sky, don the leader shirt and self-destruct (at the course and the condo) with a reckless abandon seldom seen this side of the Rockies.
Odds: 12-1 7th Appearance
Russ "Rusty" Young
2006 Result: 209 6th
If Rusty was to find a round he would like to do over, it was last years opening 18 where he was a full dozen higher than his 2005 opening effort. Heading back into the land that memories forgot has Rusty scrutinizing the 3 layouts trying to visualize the outcome. Unfortunately for him, he has had the Little Miss Molly McButter tour guide sitting on his shoulder pointing out the narrow fairways and numerous water hazards. With "Rusty" and "Dano" continuing to battle for the "Best player to have never won the Coat" Crown, look for Rusty to wear plaid on Saturday night and the worst headache of his life on Sunday.
Odds: 3-2 10th Consecutive Appearance.
Brian "Oli" Oliver 02,04,06 Champ
2006 Result: 200 1st
Last year Batman wrote "Oli should make an amazing comeback after getting kicked by Predator, only to fall short of a 3rd Jacket by a whisker." This would have been a bang on prediction if Hennigar hadn’t swallowed that gopher on the back nine. With 3 of the past 5 Jackets heading "Oli's" way look for the rest of the Cosmo crowd to start treating him like the despised Hab, Yankee and Tiger dynasties of pro sport. No more drinking Tequila or making small talk with "Oli", he’ll be lucky if we let him ride in a cart, wash dishes or fill up the Punjabi-Coquihali glass this year!
Odds: 15-1 7th Consecutive Appearance.
Rick "Horse" Heney
2006 Result: 231 14th
In one of the all time sophomore jinxes, Horse shrank from 6th to 14th with a 28 stroke deterioration. This year the chances of Rick wearing the leader shirt again are slim and none as the Golf Gods have frowned on his move off of Sun Rivers with several early season debacles. Look for Rick to utilize his savvy knowledge of the rules of Golf to improve his lie in most situations to allow him a clear shot at the green, which he will consistently scull into a trap. Several bottles of wine are riding on his best round so look for "Horse" to save his best for last.
Odds: 44-1 3rd Consecutive Appearance.
Richard "Doc" Dougherty
2006 Result: 230 13th
With this tour event being the last before "Doc" becomes a high school principal watch out Whistler as "His name is Richard Dougherty and he don’t give a F***!". Cramming for his Masters Thesis (No Randy that doesn’t mean the Augusta version) has limited his practice rounds to zero, which doesn’t bode well with his unpredictable point of inertia. However, never count an Irishman out when there are emerald fairways, snowcapped mountains and an ample supply of the nectar of the gods to mend a tired mind. Look for "Doc" to mix in his share of birdie’s thanks to a radically improved and lucky short game.
Odds: 39-1 3rd Consecutive Appearance.
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2006 result, 219, 11th
After 10 years of living off his lone Cosmo victory, won in pre-expansion 96 when there was only 3 other people playing, ( a blind guy, his grandmother, and a ten year old girl with one arm) Batman (or should it be Statman?) has retooled his swing with a new seven wood, grown some hair and made an alliance with Satan, as he shows a strange fixation with the number 6. The savvy Cosmo vet also has been quietly building a healthy Cosmo cap the last few years, trying to sneak back to the top under every ones radar. Unfortunately he can't putt with his new seven wood (just mention the word "4-putt" and he's f***ed), and the number 6 should be his average score on par
4's for the weekend. As official Journalist & Statistician of the Tour, Batman under estimates the energy it takes to keep 16 stats & stories. Not to mention the Bat powers needed to match wits at the Pun-jabby table that will deplete the stamina needed to compete with the leaders. Batman who obtained Founder status last year, may contend as long as he doesn't let Founder Tender get under his skin when he insists on counting the clubs in his bag to make sure he's not over the maximum.
A top 8 finish is a must to save his initials changing from B.M. to B.W.
Odds: 66.6-1 11th Appearance.
Eric "Bonsai" Bodman
2006 result, 215 8th
Another of the players who was humbled by Predator’s 18, Bonsai was an amazing 23 shots worse than last years opening round. He made a gutsy effort to crawl back into the top 10, but you can count the number of rounds he has played in the interim on 1 hand. Another hurdle to overcome is his "Clock Watch" designation, the first in Cosmo history that was enacted by the founders in a closed-door session to try and avoid the Marshall’s wrath. Anymore than 2 practice swings and Bonsai will be asked to pick up and throw the ball down the fairway, which in case you haven’t noticed his 140-lb. Physique, won’t be far! Look for Bonsai to overcome these tribulations and because of his stellar long irons to don the Leader shirt once again!
Odds: 16-1 7th Appearance.
Dan "Dano" Berard
2006 result, 204 3rd
Oh for a couple more pars's coming in and it would have been "Dano" defending his first title this year. 4 over on the last 3 was what did him in despite an inspiring work of art the first 51 holes in which he scorched the Kelowna courses for 23 pars and 5 birdies. The recent disaster at his home open and a week of the yips has crept into the mind of the tied for the "Best player to have never won the Coat" and it will be a challenge to remain on the podium this year. Hopefully for everyone’s sake "Dano" will avoid the Porcelain Throne that is now a distant memory from the tours first Whistler stop.
Odds: 19-1 8th Appearance.
Bobby "Booster" Keen
2006 result, 211, 7th
Unfortunately "Booster’s" Leader Shirt earning 62 on Friday was sandwiched by a 74 and 75 to squash his title hopes. A return to his New Guy stomping grounds might be the solution for "Booster" to live up to his warrior reputation. Travelling around northern BC all winter with a founder probably won’t hurt either as he should have built up an immunity to whiskey. Having played the week before on the wanna be tour should have "Booster’s" liver working at 100% but the heat stroke from 3 days of 40 C may have lingering effects. His new wimpy focus on course management should have him hitting 5 irons on all par 5’s which should last as long as Tenders first beer.
Odds: 5-1 4th Consecutive appearance.
"Harry" Dick LaLonde
2006 result, 215, 8th
The most anticipated Cosmo rookie lived up to his draft status as "Harry" "Dictate" not only played some golf, but also kept the crew guessing as to what would happen next. Opening up his Cosmo career with back to back 69’s was a good start, but with a chance to make some noise, "Harry" struggled to a closing 78. With no rookie pressure on him this year, look for Dick to put in another strong showing on and off the course.
Odds: 9-1 2nd appearance
Branko "Melon" Cerviaka New Guy
A last minute replacement after Zulu went to extraordinary measures to avoid a Whistler return. "Melon" is joining "Tender" and "Booster" in back to back golf trips so it will be interesting to see which one has the stamina it takes to perform under the "Cosmo" pressure. The first "Doctor" on the tour since Shakey four putted his way to immortality, look for a less opinionated and more consistent (i.e. nicer guy, better golfer) player in "Melon". Known for his extremely large hooks, slices and cranium, Branko should be a shoo-in for rookie of the year.
Odds: 99-1
Garry "Hulkster" Horley
2006 result 223 12th
A 27stroke improvement wasn’t just because of his handicap, the Hulk decided to play some golf last year. Garry still intends to improve and has managed to squeeze several practice rounds in despite his hectic schedule. Owning a house in beautiful downtown Wells should also help as he is used to tight hallways, water hazards and spectacular mountain views. His only downfall will be the lack of technology in his bag, which will force him to lay up on all the par 5’s and most of the par 3’s. Look for "Hulkster" to make another improvement but to fall short of the top 10.
Odds: 24-1 3rd consecutive appearance
Randy "Killer" Crofts
2005 result 221, 15th
Making a triumphant return to the Cosmo starting lineup is the one and thankfully only Raaanndy. During his one year layoff, "Killer" has been studying Phil Mickelson's swing in an attempt to replicate his swing and wife. Lookout on the tee-box as his recent purchase of a 460 CC driver at Walmart should result in a golf ball going 300 yards in every direction known to man. The only true Redneck on the tour look for "Killer" to create several hilarious scenes on the trip down, in the Condo, on the course, in the bar and later on in jail, where his buddies Len and Wes will join him.
Odds: 55-1 4th appearance
Steve "Batman" Dodge 1996 Champ
2008 result, 285 5th
Odds: 1MB-1 12th Appearance
Barry "Farmer" Brown2004 result, 224 2nd
Another one of the alumni whom the founders had more or less given up on, "Farmer" had to hurdle a couple of hazards on his way to the Cosmo wait list, but "High pockets" managed to high step them to the ground just in time. The last time "Farmer" participated "The Kid" had just won his only Jacket in a playoff over "Oli" who went on to win it all in 2004 by a slim 6 shots over "Farmer who was the runner up. To say that his only brush with the leader’s shirt in Buffalo Bills was memorable would be an understatement as was "Sloaner" calling him on the phone during a round of Punjabi. The chances of "Farmer" contending this year is pretty well slim and none as the tumbleweeds and cactus will tower over this feisty but diminutive (short) player.
Odds: 65 inches:1 4th appearance
Dan "Dano" Berard 2007 Champ2008 result, 289 9thA return to his old stomping out fire grounds did little for Dano’s game last year which was surprising considering he had played more golf than all the other Cosmo crew combined leading up to the desert storm last year. Things should be looking up for him as he has been doing home reno’s in the pit of despair and agonizing over the Canucks which has kept him from even thinking about the dreaded Y word. Look for Dano to set a new fashion trend this year as he will undoubtedly wear something the rest of us would not be caught naked in San Francisco in!
Odds: 11-1 10th Appearance
Bobby "Booster" Keen
2008 result, 299, 14th
14th wouldn’t be so bad in say the Boston Marathon unless it had a field of 16 and 2 guys were disqualified. The one bright light of "Booster’s" result is that his handicap leapt up 2 strokes to an even bogey golf 18. This should be just what Bobby has been looking for as all he needs to do is to throw several pars, the odd birdie and no worse than the rest bogeys to be the landslide winner. Sounds simple doesn’t it and for most years he’d be the best bet, unfortunately "Booster" has been avoiding hitting the links altogether not because they’re in bad shape, but because he is scared to create any bad habits or let the self doubt that terrorized him last year to seep into his psychotic.
Odds: 5-1 6th Consecutive appearance.
"Harry" Dick LaLonde
2008 result, 275, 1st won in playoff
To say that "The Champ" has enjoyed being the reigning Cosmo Queen would be a vast understatement as never has one guy been so successful at self promotion or admiration as "Dick". A recent case of the shesheshe, shesheshe, she, she, she, sugar shanks has the 9th man to dawn the jacket just a little nervous about his iron play. Always wanting to improve his game, "Dick" actually hired "Batman" to ebay a set of wedges in a futile attempt to become the first back to back winner. Unfortunately he has failed to hit any of the CG 11’s more than a foot off the ground which has lead to him begging the Quesnel pro for an emergency makeover.
Odds: CG11-1 4th consecutive appearance
Branko "Melon" Cerviaka
2008 result, 293, 12th
A rock solid top 12 was a thing of beauty for the man known as "Melon" who wasn’t quite ready for the primetime action that the desert had to offer? With his brother in law conveniently withdrawing from this year’s session, look for "Melon" to jazz up his play if he ever makes it onto the dance floor. The technology bug may have finally hit as he recently tossed his old equipment aside for get this, an oversized head tennis racquet. Wrong sport Branko, but. confidence with a shaft in your hands has to start somewhere! With a size 34 handicap to his credit anything is possible and the Cosmo insider is calling for Leader shirt in "Melon’s" future!
Odds: 97-1 3rd consecutive appearance
Garry "Hulkster" Horley
2008 result 291 10th
You would think retirement would see "Hulkster" constantly on the course as soon as all the temps were gone? Well you know how cheap and ornery retirees get, so all the temps at Quesnel combined with the full price green fee’s have limited Mr Horleys golf time. To ease the boredom he’s been getting a little fire fighting in, but they have been short lived because of the recent snow flurries. Hulkster who is a notorious early riser has volunteered to do all of the breakfast cooking which should come in handy with the ridiculously early tee times? His 2008 result would be disappointing to most, but at his age he’s just happy to be on the green side of the turf.
Odds: 17-1 5th consecutive appearance
Darrel "Sundin" Leathem
1997 result 247 6th
"Sundin" who has been an unrestricted free agent since 1999, was finally claimed off the last chance waiver wire 3 weeks ago. One of the original founders who disappeared along with the scorecards after the 1998 Kalamity in Kelowna, the Bionic Boy decided he needed to witness first hand what the hub bub is all about. On a years sabbatical from bogeys, birdies and booze, look for "Sundin" and "Tender" to fight over the designated driver designation. With this is mind, the organizers have decided that the usual Punjabi Coquihali will be replaced by Tidily winks and lawn darts. Always looking for a mathematical edge, "Sundin" has been lobbying the founders for a "Tender" like cap, but to quote a fellow bean counter "We make Cosmo caps the old fashioned way, we earn them".
Odds: 4th appearance